Hello
I can’t call you helpless because you are not, you wrote a post that must have taken a great deal out of you, you told me exactly how you feel and you asked for support – that is not being helpless.
I also contributed to the issues of the CG in my life but I know, without a shadow of a doubt that you would not have done so, if you had known how debilitating and soul-destroying your CG’s addiction was – you don’t possess a crystal ball so how could you know?
‘If only’ is not something I subscribe to because the past cannot be changed. I tried to find support as you have done but I couldn’t find any so I blundered on in the dark believing that love would conquer all but in the end, as you have found out, if doesn’t.
I understand why you resented him rushing to his mother when he had refused to help you – I would have done too but hopefully, putting it into perspective, it was his refusal to take you that was wrong and not the fact he went to his enabling mother. Has he gone to live with her?
I would be amazed if you didn’t feel used but it is no good hoping that he will ever appreciate all you have done, Even if he changed his life, faced his addiction and returned to you as the man you want, the chances are he would never/could never appreciate what you have done for him – but in that circumstance, however, you would probably no longer care that he didn’t appreciate what had gone before.
Do you have a Gam-Anon near you where you can talk to people who understand, you face to face? It really worked for me. Your post made me want to sit beside you with a cup of tea/coffee/ and/or a glass of wine and just listen and talk but sadly the internet denies this. I think you feel your husband has left ’you’ and you don’t know why (even if you did throw him out) but I believe that understanding his addiction will help you realise he didn’t walk away scot-free and he isn’t happy but he wants enablement and you are not offering that any more – and nor should you. In estranging yourself from him you are giving him the opportunity to take responsibility for his actions which is what he has to do to face his demons. You are definitely not responsible for him.
‘If’ you allow his addiction to destroy your life then it has won and that doesn’t help you, or him. Putting you first, enjoying the friends, family and hobbies that you probably put to one side to deal with your husband’s addiction will give you the power to regain ‘your’ life. His addiction controls his thoughts and behaviour, he did not deliberately hurt you, so it is better for him that you are not wrecked by addiction. When he faces his addiction and changes his life it is better that you are not part of his guilt but that you were the rock.
I hope some of this makes sense and that you continue to post. It would be great to ‘see’ you in the F&F group on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours where we can talk in real time while we share a cyber drink and a non-fattening piece of cyber cake.
Moving on takes time and you are grieving which is right but don’t let grief turn to bitterness, you are worth more than that. You can take this experience that you have had and turn it into a learning tool for your future to make it better or you can let it consume you – I know what I want you to do and I would be delighted to walk with you while you do it.
Velvet
