I want to say hello and let you know that you are certainly not alone. I was divorced twice from him and I only learned about the gambling problem when he filed for the second divorce. 5 years later, it still makes my head spin (in a sense) that so much could be going on that I knew nothing about, but actually, it happens a lot – the stuff that goes on before the gambling finally comes out – is what actually blows my mind.
You are certainly NOT to blame; I heard all that too, and well before I knew anything about the gambling. I did take it to heart because when I met him and his family, years ago, they seemed “together” and healthy, from the outside, while my own family was a true dysfunctional mess. Like you, my ex’s “family” (my children and I were supposed to be HIS FAMILY) or shall I say, relatives, helped him continue and even take advantage of me and our children in the unnecessarily protracted divorce. Just know that it doesn’t in a sense matter what the outside looks like; on paper, I know I (now) look like an irresponsible mess but in reality I have faced and continue to cope with what IS more than one person should have to or maybe even can.
Anyway, I learned I did have a breaking point (in 1998) after being terrorized by him and his brother for three months. It took me years and a lot of work (I NEVER had any “significant” mental health issues before) before I realized that, despite coming from a (more so at some times) “dysfunctional” family background, I actually had people who had brought me up to be responsible and accountable … but who were NOT cruel to me nor was I left alone to deal with the effects of a cruel situation that I did not create. I only say this because you likely are dealing with a lot; even now I sometimes have periods of “emotional shock” but I now recognize what is going on and can do things about it. For a really long time (back then) I was having very severe panic attacks that were not diagnosed; when I walked into therapist’s office during one, I saw a look of horror or something go across his face and “he can’t handle this” went through my own mind, so I pulled myself together. It took me a long time to figure out that they were panic attacks and how to deal with them, but I certainly should have felt confidence in a therapist! Main point is that you may very well have periods of confusion or strong emotions; having someone in your life that you can safely share these things with, someone who is not going to lead you astray, can be very helpful.
And I hope I don’t sound like I am telling you what to do, just suggestions from what I learned and have gone through. Realize that you can’t be responsible for the whole tribe (relatives, and even his father). That will wear you out and if you “make nice” with things others are doing, it will sometimes end up so outrageous nothing can hide it.
I made the choice to be HONEST with my daughters when I went back (he got custody of our children first time) and I am glad I did. My younger daughter got angry one night when I told her I couldn’t tell her “everything is going to be alright”. She was in her mid teens at that time – and I forget what the actual situation was – but I ended up telling her that if I didn’t know with at least 95% certainty, I wasn’t going to tell her that “to make her feel better”. I’m not holding that up as a model for others, necessarily, but I do know that when she was struggling with some issues that could have killed her, she was able to come to me and talk about them.
One thing I learned about trauma, both through research and experience, is the better a parent is handling it, the better the child will (usually) do. That means you pretty much HAVE TO make sure you have emotional supports of some sort, some people or somebody who knows what you are going though. Plus not trying to take the whole world on your own shoulders or try to “make up” for a lost dream, etc.
The whole experience is very painful, probably because so much of it is (at least a lot of the losses) preventable. But where I am, for example, there aren’t even any GA meetings within 100 miles … and for some reason, nobody seems to “get it” about the destruction wreaked by gambling problems. I know it took me a long time to find THIS site … I don’t even know of anything similar, especially for spouses/family, in the U.S.
I’m not on here a lot, but I hope when I am, that I will see more from you and learn you are making it through. I guess one positive is that you will learn some strengths you never knew you have and there are others. But I too tried to talk with my spouse about reconciliation, facing the issue and so on. I think I have read that something like less than 10% of those with gambling problems go into treatment.
I wish that my ex had been willing to face his issues but I can live with the fact that he chose not to. It’s not a reflection on me; I know I was a good wife and mother. But I don’t think he even saw me as “a person” … I was either “giving him what he wanted” or I was “worthless”. One is being an enabler … and the other … is the realization that you are not willing to enable.
I hope you are finding supports where you are and are, a little at a time, being able to make more sense of things and how you can get through all.