Well the kids got there house ,one more hurdle left lawyers to sighn final papers and keys next friday.
Im having a hard time excepting this move,as it had drummed up some old memories that were never really gone,i lost our last house to gambling,and all the fears came back,not dealing well with that at all.
Had to seek help for it ,so seeing my old counsler again .
This is how a gamblers mind that has been broken works.
As went through the last three houses to look at them ,they all have garages ,well everyone goes upstairs i lag behind to look up at the ceiling in the garage for places a person could possibly hang themselves ,nuts i know ,but that is my fear that i will gamble and cause more pain and heartache in my
kids life .
I told counsler i cannot live with the fear of comming home again ,when i really was in deep gambling i was always so afraid to come home.
I thought i lost that feeling but today i realized i actually never lost it,i still rush home after work to catch the mail before they do,i drive in an always glance at my door for a note or letter taped to the front door.
Sometimes landlord leaves a letter for the complex sticking out so we dont miss it ,well i tell you if i see a white paper of any kind i imediatly go back years ,butterflies in my stomach and i brace myself ,oh dear god now what.
I told her i will be always now pulling up and staring at a closed garage door afraid to open it,
Damages are deep in our home,to lessen them as time passes has helped,but wow to the surface they come fast.
Flooding me with horrible horrible panic .
Im thinking this house must be gamble free .
So we can once again live pain free.
He wouldnt close the account,as he didnt want to be apart of the self exclusion program he is not a problem gambler.i understand i said.
I did ask him one more time to put money on it for me,he did,was a long weekened all leaving me for 3 days ,i guess i just needed a friend for the weekened,
Have not asked again ,and the fear in me is so raw right now,im terrified to touch this new houses key,afraid i will once again have to drive down and road and roll down my window with tears in my eyes and throw that key as far as i could out the window as i drive away leaving it behind,
Gambling has given me so many bad memories ,and changed me forever ,i try and i do see old parts of me comming back,but i still dont have the mental strength to be consistant with it.Just yet
So some days i can do a budget,i can be content with just being me,but other days i just cant seem to cope.
I struggle with still trying to hide my past and that has proven to be socially damaging for me.
Im already afraid to get to know the new neighbours ,dont want to have to tell lies,cause when i do that ,when im alone it makes me sad.
And sometimes angry.
Im a compulsive liar too,gambling taught me that,but now i lie to keep me and my family safe but for the right reasons.
One day i started gambling , maybe One day i wont have to lie any more.
Recovery i struggled with,it sucked for me,never ever saw the wow this is a great day.
To busy holding down the past.
Our new home i pray will be nothing but beautiful memories for us.
And by me asking for help again tells me ,im scared ,and i know my kids dont have the strength to carry me forever .
I have become a ball and chain to them and i feel really bad for that,but ive truly been blessed with the most forgiving children ,proud of them for that.
And for those who made it to here to read this Please reach out and seek help ,dont wait till you have to write a post like this .
Night be good k
