Hello and welcome from me. I am so glad you are getting some support especially when you mentioned feeling guilty. It is most important that you look after yourself first. I have 3 daughters who have grown up with a gambling father and anyone of them could have written the same thing as you. I don’t know all the details or your specific circumstances but I do need to tell you it is not your responsibility and you have nothing to feel guilty about. you sound like a wonderful daughter and sister.
As a Charles says your father needs to take the steps to deal with his gambling and whatever he says there are places he can get help and support. He will know that.
Your mum needs support and if you haven’t already I would show her this site. It could be the first step on the path to recovery for her. It was for me and others. It is very difficult to see the wood for the trees when you are in the middle of the situation. I thought I was doing right by the children by staying with their father for many many years and it is only now that we are getting divorced that the children have truly been able to express their relief at this decision. They were looking to me to do the right thing but I was torn by what I thought was right for them, their dad, myself etc. I couldn’t see a path through it all. I was being manipulated by my husbands addiction.
Only today I Was talking to my mother in law (soon to be ex but very supportive of me) and she was saying she would have strangled my husband if he had been hers many years ago! Even I look at myself in amazement now about the things I repeatedly tolerated and the chances I gave him. But I said to my m in l that crazy though it seems the only other people who would really understand how you allow something to go on for so long are the other wives/partners of compulsive gamblers. They will know how you don’t just wake up one day £30,000 or whatever in debt. It all creeps up on you. After many years I had almost got to the point where if my husband had said tomorrow the sky will be green I would have believed him!
I took the first baby step to recovery by coming here, talking to other people dealing with this horrible addiction. It was not an instant overnight success. It has taken me a few years to get to the point I am at now. Everybody’s situation is unique and I am not saying that divorce is the solution for your mum. She needs support though to see through the fog of addiction. It has helped me tremendously to have the support of my children but they only really felt able to show that support when I led the way and to take that lead I needed a lot of help for myself. That is the first thing that I would suggest. Encourage your mum to get all the support she can so that over time she can make the right decisions for herself which will most likely end up being the right choices for everyone else too…even your dad who will be forced to face his addiction. Just as my children are not responsible for their parents behaviour neither are you. It is understandable you want to help but you are not responsible.
It all probably feels horrible just now but life is very strange and good things can come out of the worst of situations. Me and the children have an openness and honesty with each other that I don’t think we would have ever had if they had not lived through this very difficult time. They haven’t had the innocent and charmed life that we would like to give our children but they are wiser and more aware of the real world. They know they can survive difficult times.
Your mum may need help to get back that control of her life. It’s a really good feeling. I remember a year ago sitting in an airport with my brother and for the first time telling him the truth of my situation and that I planned to divorce my gambling husband. I told him all my fears for the unknown future. He said ‘you can’t put a price on freedom’. Those words have stayed with me almost more than any others.
I’m sorry if I ramble a bit. I do want to help but I also write for my own therapy too!
So dear kind wise thoughtful 20 year old daughter that you are. Look after yourself first…your mum would want that. Encourage your mum to get every bit of help she can from whatever source. Remember that out of all this upset something good can grow.
Jilly
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