You wrote: “I just don’t understand why I don’t leave when I’m ahead or cut my losses?!!!!!”
I didn’t understand it either. I am well-educated, sensible and knowledgeable in lots of areas – so why could I not stop putting coins in a machine over and over again? Why could I not stop myself from taking money out of the ATM 6 or 7 times a day?
The answer is that I have a gambling problem, a wiring problem in my head which is triggered by thoughts of gambling to the extent that when I think of gambling I have an internal fight within myself between the feeling part that wants to bet and the thinking part that doesn’t. And guess what? The feeling part always wins. And when he wins – he plays and plays and plays until I leave to go home sick at what I have done.
The first thing to do is recognise and admit I have the problem. You seem to have done that – well done. The second is to make it as hard as possible for myself to gamble. Lose access to the gambling sites. Ban or bar yourself from them – check if there are schemes in your state for this – or contact the casinos directly and ban yourself. It is not fool-proof but it puts a barrier in the way and the more barriers the better. Another barrier is to get someone you trust to handle your finances for a while until the urge to gamble lessens. Finally get good support for yourself – via this site, or Gamblers’ Anonymous (meetings are often online now) or via SMART recovery.
You can stop gambling. It is possible – it is probably about 12 years since I last played a slot machine. I tell you this not to boast but to show you it can be done. I wish you well.