happy68 – thank you so much for your reply. It’s comforting to know someone truly understands the regret, guilt, shame, and urges a CG goes thru.
What you said about it not feeling too bad when there’s still some savings left and the addict in us is telling us we can win it back is so TRUE. That’s what I did last night.
i came to the casino and checked in the room with the intention of ‘playing’ only$200. Before I knew it, I was back and forth between my room and the slot machine. When I lost $800 I felt horrible. That’s when the addict thinking came in and said just play the rest of the $600 and win the loss back and then stop. You already know the predictable ending to that, and I did know too. But the logical part of my brain was too weak at that point while the addict part was in full force.
I recall walking out from my room to the elevator in a trance like state. I was thinking I should just hold on to my last few hundred dollars but my feet kept moving towards the elevator and on to the slot machine.
After about 45 minutes, (and $0 left out of the $1,400) im back in my ‘free deluxe hotel room’. I can’t begin to describe all the negative emotions going through me.
That’s when I search the web for this web site. I need all of your words of encouragement to know I can stop.
Today, April 19, 2015 will be my first day to recovery.