I’ve had an extreme amount of guilt to deal with and recently its really been hard to forget everything while trying to continue normally. I feel guilty for everything, just day today things like gong out with friends. I feel like im running away from my problems again. Drinking over the weekend not helping as it makes me anxious, hate being around family as i feel ive done something wrong, even though im doing what every other young guy does at weekends. Even at that i cant run completely away, going out with friends and drinking knowing i owe them money, showing no sign of paying them back, i don’t know how they even let me go out with them. It’s so selfish. i need to get this sorted. I think paying back money i owe would help everything. I don’t know if gambling comes in to my life as i think it’s a route out of my problems, but not stopping to think of the consequences to gambling, digging a deeper hole for me to try get out of. If i could just train myself to stop and think before making compulsive decisions. I need to learn to be patient and need to learn that i have a problem and its going to take time before things get better. Financially and in life. I need problems to be addressed but i know at this time i cant have access to money as there is more to this i don’t understand yet. I have great intentions every month of sorting my life out and dealing with everything but i seem to ruin everything with one day of madness, normally payday. Payday seems to be the worst, after im passed that,everything is usually under control and nothing is an issue. I have no issue with having 100-200 pound in my pocket.Things cross my mind but i seem to be able to at that point say no it’s not worth it, i want to spend that money on me or i want to go out, it’s just large sums of money and control. I want control so much, ive begged for it and manipulated convincing myself that i can be grown up and mature enough to say gambling will not be part of my life and i will prove everyone wrong, yet its a mystery to why i lose control straight away. I see control as a problem in my life because i have none, a problem for me because it really makes me feel worthless. Gambling causes all my life problems. Why cant i see that and think logically for a minute and say, been there and if i win, its only gonna be hours or days before i lose what i won and then lose everything else creating a mass of more problems. Winning actually seems to cause more problems than winning. I hate gambling, it’s not fun. Recently when im thinking about gambling i try to say to myself, “no you hate gambling”. I don’t know if this is where the obsession lies either, cause of what its done to me and what ive managed to destroy with it that its really an obsession i cant let go of, wanting to beat it, get what its took from me. I need to learn that its won and hopefully then everything including my guilt and hating myself will stop. actually feel worth something that i can achieve goals without gambling and move on from what i hate. I’ve created this problem in my head, that’s all it is. Yes its addictive but it’s just the way ive programmed my life that there’s easy ways out, i just have to do this the hard way, it’s not even a hard way it’s just a different way from what im used to. Hopefully i can get counselling, as i need to be as positive as possible to achieve and have a bit of drive behind beating this.
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