Why am I self destructing? I don’t know, I mean it is obvious that’s what I am doing, but the why is so hard for me to see or face. Fear of success, fear of being able to see I am worthy of something good, perhaps. Maybe over time as I post more, I will be able to see something about myself, or even others will see what I cant, good and bad. The debt, that’s a big thing, that is the obvious issue that I have to work on, but it is not the cause. How did I get into debt? I gambled. Why did I gamble? That is what I really need to work on, and I am learning things about myself. I don’t want to betray myself Vera, but I have done. I want to do more than stop gambling, I also have this thing where I tell myself don’t gamble, and sometimes i catch myself laughing at myself, calling myself a fool for even thinking I can stop. Who do I think I am…
I don’t know, but I am going to find out. I will shut down that part of me that mocks me. I have to stop hurting myself.
