God forgives us everything Vera , just much harder to forgive ourselves. Things will get better .
In desperation I went to SMART last month and it seems to help. Have I gambled since starting there ? Yes I have but my thinking has changed somewhat and I am making healthier choices about my behaviours.
A new behaviour for example is on payday I put a few hundred in my son’s account. I feel it is better going towards his college fund and it leaves me without spare cash!
Yesterday I had a hangover (party one) and it was only my barriers that stopped me from gambling.
So I have now learned that while I don’t really feel tempted to gamble when I am drinking , I do not make healthy behavioural choices when I have a hangover. Barriers will probably always be part of my life.
A casino owes me £100. It would come in so handy right now.
I have to send in proof of ID etc but it seems impossible to self exclude from this casino or to even set limits . I have decided to gift them the £100 as I can no longer play there without sending in the required documentation.
It will be the cheapest £100 I ever got from a casino as cash-backs usually cost me a fortune .
Anyone else think like this ? “I didn’t win because the slots knew it was a cash back but the next deposit will be my own money so I am sure to win on it”.
And so the chase begins …
What has been hugely helpful for me is getting past the idea that I am an addict – it somehow makes me powerless to stop. It makes me a victim. It makes it kinda ok to have slips.
I now realise that when I gamble it’s a behaviour I choose to indulge in. I choose to put money which could be going to my family into some fatcat’s pocket. I choose to leave myself without. It is my choice so I must live with the results of that choice. In a strange way it has stopped me beating myself up about it because I know it is also my choice to change my behaviours .
Progress not perfection… I feel happy !