Geordie , that is a lovely comforting post – I had a brilliant holiday – and probably the best Summer ever – I will tell u more about it if we come across each other in a group.
Im not sure I have ever been gamble free – well not in recent years – but i have made progress- I have savings , debts are reduced and gambling incidents have also been greatly reduced . Recently however I feel I am falling back to old ways . At times I am amazed by how clever I can be – I have found a very complex method of getting round my gambling blocker (which I pay for )- and yet at how stupid I can be – I still think I will lose a tenner and stop and why pay for a blocker and then try get round it – hardly the actions of an intelligent person.
Thank you for writing so kindly , respectfully and considerately towards how fragile I feel right now . I feel I am good at giving encouraging support. I try to help people look forward and see a good future but when I make a mistake it feels like people think it will help me to kick me when I’m down. It doesn’t help – it just makes me want to stop “support”. In fact I came on here right now to close my account and your post has really helped me .
At this stage I have probably heard everything I need to hear in terms of what I should do – but I feel encouraged that you say no one is doomed to a life of gambling .
You are right – it doesn’t matter if someone laughs or enjoys my struggle – none of us have perfect lives . I am hesitant to post as I explained in my deleted post . I have tried to explain this for a couple of years now and no one gets it- I’m not sure if you really get that this been a real difficulty for me but somehow your post has reduced that fear .
So how Do i feel right now Geordie ?
I feel I will never stop gambling
I feel afraid .
I feel a fraud
I feel I am the worse mother in the world
I feel the future is bleak
I feel trapped
I feel I really have no one to talk to about my struggles
I feel too fragile for the interrogations which never help me
I feel too fragile for the “straight talk” which feels like I am being physically punched
I worry this addiction will eventually be the end of me
But mostly I feel totally alone with this because I am unable to access support which might help me . I am unable because I am the way I am .
I want support to be somewhere I feel I can open up and say this happened , this is how I feel – please help me see a better future , one which gives me hope .
Your post did that for me today – so thank you .