I just read your journal so far, and it is great that you recognize that you need to stop at this stage of life and not let it carry on. Also great that you are thinking about your future life, and how it could be really terrible if you continue gambling. Your intuition about this is spot on.
The lure of gambling is that you can get something for nothing. What a great thing that would be if it were true! A dream, a fairy tale! The fact is that it is a LIE! The sooner that you can grasp this the sooner you will be able to get this monkey off your back. Each time you go back, it becomes more difficult to stop.
I can tell you from sad experience, that the losses continue to get larger, the trouble continues to grow. More stress, more headaches, more tears, more sleepless nights. More kicking yourself, more empty promises, more guilt, more shame. It always gets worse, never better.
It is a fantastic first step that you have taken to get your life back on track. Leave gambling behind, and never look back! Get all the help you can, and don’t ever feel embarrassed or shy about trying to recover or asking for help. It is your life, your future that is at stake. Don’t despair, there is hope!
Cheers!