First I want to say thank you to all of your who have left me messages here. Encouragement thoughts and even prayers. I have read each of your messages. Have not really felt it a place to answer. I am of no real help to anyone right now.
My world came crashing down again last week. The aftermath is awful beyond anything I can actually cope with. I spent the day or a few hours with my father yesterday. He was tearful over loosing our mum. I had to pull it together as best I could for him. I wont lie. I am in a bad bad place at the moment. Xmas looms like a black sky ahead of me. I dread that day. Sat here in the flat. I cant get to see my son. I made sure of that. Maybe I can do it for afterwards. I dont know.
I will block it out with alcohol I suppose. And hope the whole horrible period passes quickly. I am a few days since gambling. But it is no victory. None at all. The damage has been done. The crime complete. I came close over the weekend of formulating plans in my head to end everything. Being a coward and hating pain I could not follow through.
Somtimes I lay in bed and ask the universe to make it quick. Heart attack – seizure. Make the choice for me. Its not that I want to die I just dont want to live the life I am living. My coping mechanisms are low at the moment.
Your words from all of you have meant much. Vera (glad u are back) Micky – Kpat Tiki Sad68 to name but a few . I know you each have your own personal struggles. I wish I could do more. JN