Dear diary
I am not letting the devil shake me, it got my nerve but I planned to go all the way to the end.
I felt the heavy burden and responsibilities to help another stranger or gambler, I was so afraid I cannot do my job well, the feeling can overwhelm me and I don’t like it one bit. I was afraid this feeling will send me back to gambling and another rock bottom, I was concern about my well being, look like it was a fight inside me between the devil of my self-centeredness and love.
I don’t want to do it but I still did it by letting go of my self-will and let God.
I let the day unfold and reveal itself.
I believe in The Promises. I believe that when I finish my 12th steps, I will have a clearer picture of the part about carrying the message to another suffering gambler.
It is God’s timing, not mine.
Remarks:
I was doing my step work Q&A in wecare for the first time on 15th Feb 2016, there was a GA meetings in the evening, I decided to join them for the first time after a long time.
The chair person actually did not show up, and the person taking over to chair the meeting was late for half an hour.
There are 9 of us, I was the most experience there, so I ended up chairing the meeting.
It was not part of my plan, my timing. I don’t enjoy chairing at all.
I still have the issue of trying to be perfect in everything I do and feeling responsible for the pain and suffering, instead of carrying the message, I may carry the addict.
After the meeting I felt anxious and stress. It is really a slippery situation for me. In the old days, I don’t know how to cope with these feelings, I would have drank alcohol to calm my nerve.