Hi Bro and Sis,
How are you? I was thinking about you, hope all is well.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful video, I will share it with others.
1. Between 5th Aug to 15 Sep 2015, while I was adapting to changes at home and work, warning signs show up in my life, I started to experienced urges and craving thoughts and I start to feel and struggle with intense and anxious feelings,the red flag iss up.
2. I continue to pray to God. Though I knew God was always there but I cannot feel his presence or see the signs that HE is here during this dark time, the experience was so different from the last 6 months when the connection seem stronger.
3. Soon I stop going to support group meetings and talking to recovering people.
4. My false pride / grandiosity is affecting me – I slipped and I was afraid of the judgemental and critical people who are quick to criticise any person who have backslide. I am also afraid to disappoint God ‘s faithful followers, I don’t wish to be rejected by them. These behaviours was so unlike me, I survive until now because I learn not to be a people pleaser and my recovery was personal and not co-dependent on them.
Finally,I have force myself to return to support group meeting and talk to recovery friends about my recent experience and struggle.
Talking to recovering people, who have practice some form of recovery program for a number of years surprises me, I was very surprise it help me find my focus again, I was surprise it was that easy, I should have talk to them earlier and not do it alone, They seem to understand what I was going thru.
I choose to speak to the Christian ones and our discussion was center mostly on me feeling guilty and wrong about losing my moral value, doing things that displeases God and giving in to my desires to fix and find the balance in my life. I was confuse, I was impatient , I grab the steering wheel back out of fear, I was afraid if I did not fix it soon, I was losing my mind because my emotion and feelings was going crazy.
The psychologist make it very clear that I have a choice, what I did was normal. As a Christian, I have sinned and in recovery I have slipped. I am human and not a perfect person, I did not have a perfect Christian and recovery life.
Praise God! I feel secure and relax again. I am letting go of the steering wheel to God.
I felt very relieve now, I was very worried and fearful before, I did not know how long this episode is going to last and so afraid that it will go into a full blown relapse but it has come to an end and life is back to normal and I have learn something. Thank God.
My mental block is all cleared now and the writing is flowing again……