Dear diary
The following day after I slip/relapse. I felt the familiar helplessness and fearful feeling.
Fear that the alcohol and gambling will take over my life and the destructive acts will continue to wreck more havoc and cause more damage to my life and family.
Felt so helpless, so helpless I could not turn back the clock, and do things differently, I cannot take back what I have thrown away and lost.
I was so frighten about my future, my mind was so numb, I was so disappointed and shock I have done it again on this scale. This is the first time I went to a Sunday Church service immediately after. I have already turn my will and life over to God. I could not do anything now except hold the bible tightly in my hand and pray to God for help and mercy.
I am never going to places with hypocrites around for help. These people may be thinking and will be saying, I left their place and immediately I fall. They are blind, they will never admit people seeking help left the place because of their presence.
I trust my Higher Power can save me, and has plan for me to grow and not tear me down. This whole experience happen for a reason and help me get in touch with my raw pain, vulnerability and weakness. It is about carrying my heavy cross, I must accept the pain and suffering, I cannot run away from it.