today i gambled, i haven’t got quite enough money for bills as i of course gambled some of my pay day loan, i don’t have enough petrol for work, the dog has plenty of food and treats, i sold some minor things today to make enough to gamble to try and make up the bill money, i am taking more risks in my gambling so the odds are higher for pay out and even higher for losing (which i did). i find myself with no emotional attachment to winning or losing, it’s a strange feeling as normally i would be a wreck.
Anyway, i was reading back over Geordie’s comments and Monicau’s and i totally got it about abstaining and recovery and i realised that it’s right, i have never even started recovery, i only ever abstained, i was always destined to succumb to urges, it was totally nailed on ( in a non gambling sense) it’s actually given me hope to realise that i have been going about this all wrong ( big thanks for opening my eyes to that)
my small problem now is that i have no idea about recovery so i have googled it and i think my best first step is to do some online talking with gamcare and maybe set up some counselling sessions. i did try to connect earlier but they seem to be super busy on a friday night so i will try tomorrow after work as i am working all weekend again, i think i am coming up to 4 weeks without a day off but i want to clear my new debts up before the new year, i am exhausted but at least i am lucky enough to have the option to make a bit extra money as many arent so lucky.
i have £28 to last me 12 days (i also have a weeks worth of food in the house) i had picked out some bets for tomorrow to try and turn that into enough money to pay the bills but i realised, i am only £100 short, i get paid about 4 days after they are due so it’s not really that big a deal, was i actually amplifying it in my mind to almost justify gambling?
tomorrow i am going to use that £28 to put £23 of juice in the car which leaves me £5 for some fresh produce ( i hear it’s good for the overall well being of your mind) i am not going to gamble or justify the need to, the bills will get paid a few days late and that’s that.
tomorrow afternoon i am hoping to do some more work around what recovery actually means to a CG but for now i need to try and sleep as i am up at 04:00 for work 🙁
