So i have just woken up to a new day. My first thought was what am I going to do today? And I had no idea. Which is probably something I need to look at. So then my thoughts went on. What would I do If i had some money behind me, and then it occurred to me. What I have done, in the past would of been … I got some money- go gamble, why? to keep me away from the things in life that can change me. I am a loner, an isolator. What better way to do this to myself than to get rid of my money so I don’t go out into the world and let people see me. The gambling feeds my insecurity, my loneliness and takes away any chance of change. If gambling didn’t involve taking money would I do it… probably not, I. So what would i do if I had money, would it change my approach to myself? or would I look at another way to sabotage myself. I thought about times where I wasn’t gambling, and what I did. So if I wasnt gambling, had some cash, I would probably go out on benders with friends. I don’t enjoy trashing my body that way, but I have done it many a time, and afterwards the same ugly emotions surface. So again, I don’t gamble, I don’t trash myself, what do I do? well for now, i keep digging into my thoughts and look for the root of the problem. I don’t want to substitute gambling for another self destructive action.
