Dear diary
I am so grateful to read a poem on defensiveness from Mack Tomlinson. It does wonder and help me put my thought and feeling into words.
Till this day, I may suddenly go into a defensive mode, it is like breathing and I do not know why but if I get challenged, corrected, or rebuked; if I feel threaten when my pride get hurt, it is ugly, immaturity in action.
Denial is the refusal to accept reality, it is considered one of the most primitive of the defence mechanisms because it is characteristic of early childhood development.
When someone exposes that I could be wrong about something, and touches a nerve in my soul, the feeling can be so real that I felt that the other person have bad intention and is trying to hurt me.
I will use denial to avoid dealing with these painful feelings or areas in my life.
for example
I can be a functioning football punter, I will often deny that I have a gambling problem to myself and others, pointing to how other areas in my life is function well
It is not affecting my job and relationships at home, I am not in debt because of this. I am not spending too much time and money on it.
My defensiveness in recovery is an indication of my pride and immaturity.
When I am defensive, I am far from being like the Lord Jesus right then.
Jesus was never defensive one time in his life, not even once. And He is calling me to put it off, die to self-daily, and become defenceless, with all my defence being in Him alone.
May God save me from this wicked and ongoing evil.
To be continue…I will write about how I lost big sum of money thru football punting many times in the past