Dear Maverick
I have read your posts and can see that many things is not turning out the way you would like, especially when one would like to do the right thing but continue to do wrong, or when one did the right thing but things did not get better, it got worst.
I have went through all these myself many times, it seem to be a part of recovery that all of us who have hit rock bottom have to go thru before thing get better.
I have been trying this recovery thing since 2005 and still trying now. Things do get better.This is the hope and asssurance I get along the way as things improves.
The more pain and setback we go through during recovery, the more it help us grow stronger and wiser.
I want to be honest about one observation I had during all these years, I speak from my personal experience:-
Man can follow and obey the spiritual principles in the 12 steps recovery program but none claim to have perfect adherence to it, they are not saints.
Man can follow and obey the words and teaching of God in the bible but we can never be perfect like God.
In recovery and in life, we strive and seek progress, not perfection. We are human and we err sometimes. Having said all that, it is no good excuse for anyone of us to go back to old destructive ways but there is light at the end of the tunnel, if we work real hard in our recovery, rarely have we seen someone fail at improving their life.
Bro Maverick, our solution is a spiritual one.
We have seen not all religious people are spiritual, many have prey on the innocent and weak, many have embezzle huge sum of money and we read about them all the time in the newspaper. Many straight people turn religious because they are afraid of going to hell.
Spiritual people may not be religious but I have met people who do not have a religion help the unfortunates and needy, ex convicts and recovering addicts who turned good. There was a saying in the recovery community: Religion is for people who are afraid to go to “hell”……Spirituality is for people who have been there!
Many times I was disappointed with myself when I do bad thing, many times I was disappointed bad things happen to me when I try to do good things. I have learnt from it and it forces me to accept and made adjustment to my unrealistic expectation. This was when I started to see a little light, I started to have a balance in living my life and I started to experience and receive a new found joy, a new found peace.
I heard a recovering lady say this the other day, your first day clean is the same as the other person with 10 years of clean days, every day is important, it is the same for everyone, we all do it one baby step at a time, one day at a time, it was the same on our first day, and it will be the same 10 years later. You must be proud of yourself for staying abstinence today.
You wish me well, and you say you cannot, I can. Well brother, over time and after many pain, I finally realize something, there is really a Higher Power, I cannot, HE can. HE help me to do things I cannot. When I found out about this Higher Power, it become easier for me to surrender to Him, to give up my selfish, self-centered, self- seeking ways, I try to give up my self-will and seek His will, give up my old ways and follow His way one day at a time. It was suggested in step 3 in the 12 steps recovery program too, made a decision to turn our will and life over to the care of God.
24Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. 25″For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.…( Mathew 16; 24-25)
I was an addict, I slip and relapse, this is the sign and symptom of addiction. I am seeking help for my addiction, over time I realize another thing, I increase my chance in recovery when I have a recovery program, going to meeting and sharing is not enough. I thought going to GA and working the 12 steps program, I would be like everyone but it was not to be, I continue to slip and relapse, I felt like giving up many times, it was only after I have found my Higher Power mention in the recovery program, that I start to experience changes in my life. Recovery is no more something I must do to survive, it has become enjoyable and a lifestyle now. Life is better and improving little by little.
The deeper we fall, the more things are not ok around us especially in early recovery, I am still recovering now since the day I hit my deepest rock bottom in 1998 and a few rock bottom after that. I am still picking up the pieces here and there but things is looking brighter now, there is hope.
I pick up this from an experience recovering person, if everything is not ok but I am ok, then I will be really grateful, happy and contented, because only those who have experience life at the rock bottom when things is not ok…know how bad it can get, how much suffering there is, how dark, hopeless, helpless, and painful it can be.
If everything is not ok and I am not ok, it means I have slip/relapse, it can a dangerous and risky situation, things can progressively get worst and worst, more and more serious.
I have a wish, I trust my Higher Power will lead me there one day, when everything is ok and I am ok.
You have said it, P and Vera have said it, we keep trying!
Don’t quit trying before the miracle happens…
