Dear Jenny
You are in the School of Hard Knocks where everything hurts and the only way to graduate with flying colours is to care for yourself and your children first.
Your ex has a selfish addiction, it takes everything and gives nothing back to those who love the CG and ultimately to the CG as well. It might look as though he is doing alright and living well while you struggle but the reality is that your ex is living a lie and those who are enabling him will feel the terrible backlash of his addiction given time. They will have to deal with it one day but in the meantime they are not your problem and on this forum it is ‘you’ that matters.
Don’t concern yourself that you have horrible thought about your ex – I don’t think it is possible they are worse than the thoughts that I had. You will heal and you will realise that this addiction makes us think things that we would never have believed possible – it doesn’t mean we turn into nasty minded people.
I suspect your ex’s addiction has recognised that it has lost its grip on you and the anger you are witnessing is its final sabre-rattling to unnerve and blame you. Don’t worry that your 10 years together feel like they were based on a lie; with all the anger flying around it is impossible to think straight – I believe your answer will eventually lie in your own words ‘the husband I had, when he wasn’t gambling, would never have put me and my kids at risk.’
I wouldn’t be surprised if you were feeling sorry for yourself – a little self pity doesn’t do any harm, it is only when we wallow too long that we endanger our recovery. However, you are not wallowing; you are doing well, even if you don’t feel it.
I hope you will pop in to a group one Tuesday; I am really pleased that you have first-rate friends but I appreciate that only those who have lived with this addiction can fully appreciate how it feels.
It does take time to get strong, after all a lot of damage has been done but I have every faith that you will make it. I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t say that there will be more ups and far too many downs before you heal – the road you are walking is one of the toughest but it does come to an end.
Keeping a journal may help you – it is good to look back and see what you have achieved and what you have overcome.
I can’t help but see the injustice of your ex receiving £1000 and you being in debt because of his actions. I admit I don’t know the legal answer but maybe the CSA would be interested, how about approaching the CAB – it seems the gloves have come off and you have nothing to lose by doing a bit of shouting. His parents possibly feel they have a right to it, to offset some of their son’s debts but his children must have priority I would have thought.
Speak soon
Velvet
