Dear Jenny
Walking in to any social event alone for the first time is hard but it does get easier because next time you will know that you can do it – I hope you enjoyed some of the evening because every smile, every laugh and every conversation that doesn’t include gambling is one step up the mountain.
I don’t think his words are intended to make you feel bad Jenny, I think his addicion is trying to make you feel responsible because he is resisting the truth that the responsibility for his mess, lies with him.
I agree that his recent behaviour does not suggest a person in control of their addiction for 3 months – in the eyes of the law what he did would be classed as stealing – again he is not willing to accept responsibility.
I don’t think you lost any counters because you sent a text or texts back to your ex because you have worked out for yourself that maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do and that knowledge is a step up. I thought your words “So i tell him it is good that he says he is not gambling but recovery is not just about staying off the bet. For me it is about responsibility, accepting what you did and trying to make changes in your attitude/behaviour so that you start to like who you are again, getting out of the shame pit and being the better father that the kids need u to be.It can’t be about staying a victim, blaming others for what went wrong and to still tell lies’, would/should/could have given him food for thought if he is the remotest bit receptive.
If he asks again why you think he lost it maybe you could just turn his question around and suggest he asks himself the same question and leave it at that – get him hopefully, to think.
Birthdays with a nought in them are often considered to be pivotal points in a life and it might see an increase in his texting. If you cannot resist a reply, keep it positive and as short as possible, read and re-read what you have written before sending so that you don’t inadvertently give him things to chew over and twist. In my opinion, wishing him a better future on his birthday wouldn’t be wrong whereas ‘happy birthday’ would open a whole can of worms!
I ‘know’ that one day you will look back at this chapter in your life but I don’t know if you will make sense of it. For me there is still no sense but there is understanding and that brought the sun out.
I think that writing how you feel is so important, confused thoughts that have no outlet turn into nightmares. I will always be listening and I can hear you chipping away at that rock and finding footholds.
I hope the children and doing well and that with them you are getting fun and laughter.
V
