Dear Hope
I have just read your last post having written a long one to answer your penultimate post. Most of what I have written therefore, doesn’t deal with your latest post which seems a little more upbeat.
The problem with the site is that recent posts are the ones that are more likely to offer little or no hope because those who have found their way, either with or without their CG, move on and the last thing they want to do is dwell in this site.
Moving with or without their CG is, of course, more to do with spouses and partners whereas parents and children do not have those outcomes as options – whatever happens your son will always be your son just as a child will always have that parent no matter what or how good the relationship is.
One of the things I learned when my CG eventually was able to talk to me reasonably was that a CG will always find a way; we worry about where they will sleep and what they will eat but they never worry and somehow they survive. Your son is 26 and he will have a future whether you worry yourself into the ground or not. What his future will be is down to him but I fully appreciate you want to help him get a better future.
I know I cannot tell you what to do but writing to an active CG is a bit of a mine-field. I wrote such a letter full of hope and love and no recrimination. When my CG eventually entered recovery he told me that my letter had been read an hundred ways, and each time he saw it as judgemental. He told me he screwed it up, threw it away, retrieved it, read it, screwed it up etc. He said that after a while it was wet and torn and illegible but he could still decipher that I was disappointed. He believed himself to be a disappointment and worthless so that is what he perceived my words to mean. However bearing all this in mind, if you still want to write to your son please keep the message very, very short.
I believe you have a lovely family but sadly your son feels outside and it is absolutely nothing to do with anything you have done. When he gambled something changed within him. Neither you nor he, had any control over what happened; you could not have foreseen it and you could not have stopped it. Invisibly it built within him and it wasn’t until it altered his behaviour that anybody would have noticed anything untoward, by which time his addiction would have been in control of him.
I believe that the life experiences you have given to your son will make a difference in the end. I have now seen that a lot of what surrounded my CG when he was growing up is now visible in his life, not only is he using the skills he was given in GMA to control his addiction, he has added to them and is creating similar experiences such as the ones you have shared with your family.
I am fully aware of how desperate you feel and what you want. I suggest your son doesn’t get too many comforts in your home but I do believe it is best not to be confrontational because it doesn’t work and you get hurt.
Positives are hard when your son is behaving like an adolescent but they are always better than negatives. When he wants for something he will talk and maybe you could then tell him how good life was when he was controlling his addiction. His gamble-free time does count so let him know it was a happy time for you all, remind him of a time you laughed or you did something that you enjoyed – concentrate on those gamble-free months, even if they were not perfect, let him know what they meant to you and tell him that you know they can come again only better – it is probably best not to mention what he has to do to get the better times – he already knows.
I hope some of this helps. I really hope to be able to talk to you in the private group on Tuesday but until then keep posting and make sure you do something today that makes you happy, give your mind time every day when your son and his problems are not swirling around.
If someone had said to me after 8 years that I had another 17 years to go, the men in the little white coats would have carted me off, I would not have coped. I didn’t know what it was that was causing all the damage and I was side-tracked by counsellors and doctors who didn’t understand so I couldn’t protect myself or make informed decisions. When I knew after 23 years that it was gambling, I was able to start putting strategies into place that formed the basis or my recovery without it being dependent on him.
Counsellors who have not dealt with CGing can often come up with labels such as autism, bi-polar, etc, but for me they can be distractions that take the focus off the real problem. If your son wants more support than it should be dedicated addiction counselling.
Your son can certainly approach GMA and ask them for further support, all such decisions are obviously down to them. We have an ex-residents group on Monday evenings where he would be most welcome. GMA and GT do not give up lightly so never lost hope.
V