Dear Hope
I hope you do get into the group tonight; it would be good to talk in real time when it is easier to be completely frank.
Unfortunately although the GM programme is fantastic and works for so many there will always be some that just do not listen either because they don’t want to do so or they are not ready yet.
I suspect there are a lot of egg-shells being walked on in your home which isn’t good for you or your husband and doesn’t help your son either. I assume that you are both very frightened by the way events have turned out but your son is not frightened, he is allowing his addiction to control him and distance him from responsibility. I would imagine you are talking over and over again about ways to help you son whereas he appears to be only concerned with no 1, oblivious to your concerns because they don’t suit him and not bothering about how to help himself
I believe the way forward for you is to be selfish about yourselves which I know will not come naturally but the alternative is that you keep putting his interests first while his addiction flourishes.
Your son can contact the GMA – they don’t wash their hands of residents when the programme is over – they want them to live gamble-free lives and to have self-esteem. In my opinion, I think you should tell him that there is no more money available. I understand why you want to provide with enough food to sustain him but cash when he is active is an absolute ‘no’ whatever the reason given.
I don’t think you will have gone back to the start; you are so much more aware now. I agree, wholeheartedly, that it is dreadful that you are in this position again but your son can get himself together more quickly than before because he has the tools, he has support from GMA, the GT Helpline, our CG groups and a terrific mum and dad who want to support him in the right way.
You are both stronger than your son’s addiction; you do not have to be controlled by it. Talk to each other and plan your defence and strategy so that you are united and he can see your unity, his addiction will do far more damage if it sees a chink in the armour or a division in the ranks.
Your husband may feel he is not protecting his wife when he should be defending her from being hurt. Your son may feel inadequate compared to his father. You may feel you have to defend the son, the child, in his father’s eyes. I am not saying that any of these relate to you but they are some of the things that cause families to act in a certain way and allow the addiction space to grow. I believe that unity is paramount – your son’s addiction needs to see a barrier so strong he cannot break it down.
This is not a time for either of you to feel bad; this is a time for you to enjoy your lives. You know I can’t tell you what to do and there is no crystal ball to tell me how long your son will hang on to his addiction but what I do know is that the only word the addiction should hear from you is ’no’.
Finally never give up hope – I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know that your son can control his addiction.
I hope we get to speak later
V
