Dear Caroline
Never apologise on this forum Caroline – I am really glad you feel better for writing that post because his behaviour was that of an obnoxious spoilt child. The tragedy is, he is not a child and that is why his nasty comments really hurt.
He doesn’t hurt you because he thinks your heart is made of stone – quite the opposite, he does it because you are vulnerable and his addiction is manipulative – it feels threatening because it is designed to get you to do or give what he wants.
The only way to deal with unjustified words being thrown at you by an active CG is to close your ears and recognise that they have an addiction and most importantly – you do not. He is not behaving responsibly towards his family and he is trying to deflect his failure to provide, on to you; but you know that you are a good mum; you know you are holding your home together and you must never forget it.
I do hope you have told your friend about your husband because keeping his secret is not good for you – or for him. When I first joined Gamanon it took me many, many weeks to say ‘hi I’m ******* and I am the mother of a compulsive gambler’. It was as though all the shame in world was heaped on to me and I wept for weeks when I tried to say the words. However with support from all the others I opened my mouth one evening and the words were out – the relief was immense and here I am 10 years on from that moment and I have never forgotten the feeling of relief – I have never felt that shame again.
Gradually Caroline you will gain your strength but you can only take little steps at the beginning. Going out with your friend today should feel like a big step – I hope so. I hope that even if you tell her about your situation at home there will be time for you to laugh together.
Speak soon
V
