Dear Anni
I appreciate that locking things away seems an awful thing to do but it is better than losing possessions and going through the agony of knowing your child has stolen from you. For a while I believe it is better to assume that your son cannot be trusted at all and protect yourself accordingly, however, in my opinion this should be done discreetly because while he is in an early recovery and getting support from GMA it is great if he feels you are totally on his side – you are right he will not be happy being reminded that you are remembering.
I understand completely that when your lives were turned upside down again, the terrible feelings returned and you reminded him that you had all been there before but, in my opinion, the most important thing to do now, with regards to his sessions at GMA, is to listen to him – you may not understand all he says, you may not like what you hear but he is getting the right tools for the job. The time for questions comes later – if they are still relevant.
I am fully aware of CGs wanting to draw a line in the sand and how it can easily be interpreted as ‘look away’, ‘don’t challenge me’. Following rehab it is more difficult for the non-CG to get it right and that is why, I believe, it is important to keep talking here. Your son won’t get everything right straight off; he will be struggling within himself. He needs space to grow and the ability to trust that, if he isn’t behaving quite the way you hoped, you will understand that he is trying. His recovery is not like yours, he has not instantly been gifted with all the insights and logic that you have but he can move mountains given time and understanding.
I cannot tell you what to do but personally I am positive you should not actively encourage your son to read your posts, if he is on this site he may well find them anyway. I know that many CGs do read our forum and they often struggle with what they read because the threads could be written by the people who love them and maybe have not had the ability to speak freely as we do. I believe it is important to write your thread for you own support however and not because it could be read by the CG known to you which is a dangerous precedent.
I firmly believe that it is not a good idea to read the thread of the CG known to you because they need to have the freedom to speak freely. My son did not tell me about his GMA sessions until I was studying to become an addiction therapist about 3 years after he left rehab. He wanted me to succeed and he shared his knowledge and experiences with me without reservation. He told me, for instance, that for a long time, in rehab, he blamed me for his everything – what would I have felt and said if I had known what he was saying? He needed to express himself without me seeing or hearing his words; he needed the support of those who understood him as I could not.
I am really not sure what good any agreement signed by your son can be to him. When an addiction is active such an agreement would be worthless to the CG. I think possibly you have done this for your own protection but, in my view, this document is best locked well away.
Keep posting your thought Anni – you are doing well.
Velvet
