Day33
Wow Monica that is so uplifting to read – of course there’s things I can do – I guess the big thing is to learn to accept the things I can’t and wisdom to know the difference .
Now that I am “awake” in life I can no longer hide from my losses – the strange thing after gambling is that the losses that matter are neither financial or self inflicted . Perhaps they are the very losses that lead to gambling addiction .
Pain maybe needs somewhere to hide.
So I am being kinda deep today – I can see clearly now the rain has gone – I think there is an expectation that once gambling abates in my life – I will spend my life making reparation- I feel the person I need to make reparation to most is me .
I carry a deep sadness for the what can never be.
Time can be cruel – I guess the big win would sort most things – but the big win is no more . The big win is gone forever and with it the last shreds of hope or what could have been.
I am gamble free- it is payday.
I am going to spend money on me today – not on furniture or paint but on me- on hair , on clothes , on shoes . I am going to spend money on my son – my wonderful gentle son who fills my heart with joy and who describes me as his best friend in the world- I did some things right I guess .
Life isn’t perfect – it never will be – it’s just hard to accept that allowed my “f&f” to steal the most important things in life from me and to cope I hid in the chaos of gambling addiction .
I could say that in my experience f&f are manipulative , controlling liars who will stop at nothing to keep control and get their own way . They always want to put forward the image of martyr to the world. They always want to be seen as “doing their best” which is a great way of expressing their need to control others in their life.
I read the forums and sometimes I even see their addiction used as a means to control- to decide when they can stay home, when they will have to leave , when they can see their kids , when they can’t-every sentence uttered is called manipulation or lies – the critic can rarely find any good in them and when they do the attribute this to themselves -like “we had a good chat and things have improved ” – I could substitute with “martyr ,martyr , martyr ”
I could say this as they use similar words to describe us with gambling addiction all the time – however I guess I still have my intelligence and I know that you cannot tar all people, no matter what group they belong to , with the same brush – I’m sure some people do develop gambling addiction which has nothin to do with overbearing , controlling spouses or other loved ones.
I woke early – the nightmare which has plagued me since I was too young to remember is back – the tidal wave one . I must be the only person I know who asks to change room if I get given a sea view…
Monica thank you for your post – it really helped me today – going to get out of bed and start working on that plan of mine.
I will make the most of my life and hopefully learn to accept things it is too late to change .