How’s it gone today eraser?
Like I said yesterday, I do totally get what you said, about at first thinking that you could learn enough to be able just to get your Saturday football coupons on.
Over time though I have had to learn to accept that I just cannot gamble at all. The Saturday thing was very hard to accept. But now it’s just another day to me. I hardly ever listen to the football, or watch Soccer Saturday it used to be a way of life to me. I now feel comfortable looking at the day’s fixtures and the results, but I look at the fixtures on a Saturday morning not the day or week before. I always check the results too, the big difference is I never think “I would have done them, I would have won” or “such and such got beat, I would have lost”.
That to me is acceptance. Acceptance that I am completely powerless against gambling. No two ways about it, gambling is the boss. I’m a sensible bloke. Until it comes to gambling. I just cannot handle it at all. When I gamble it takes over my life, the longer I gamble the more powerless I become, the more it takes over. Because of this hold it has over me my life had become completely unmanageable for me. When you were saying last week about living on boiled rice mate, I thought to myself, “He’s bloody lucky”. Of course you’re not mate, but honestly I’ve seen the time I’ve had absolutely nowt to eat, no milk, no tea bags, no bread. I have honestly once eaten a tin of cold peas, not beans, bloody peas! I continued to do this to myself until I accepted 100% that my life had become unmanageable because of the fact I was powerless against gambling. I’d get into recovery or abstinence for weeks or months even and then I’d end up gambling again even knowing I risked ending up like that again. It is utter madness to think you can be in such a desperate state for weeks or longer, then as soon as you have money the first thing you do, isn’t feed yourself its go to the bloody bookies. I would never think I was going to end up in Shit Street again, I was convinced I would win, no two ways about it. It owed me, but only this time when I’ve won, (not this time If I win, but when I win), I’ll walk away with my winnings. Deluded. Crazy.
Eventually I learned to accept that I just could not gamble. It took me years to actually believe this. Some people say that the longer you live without gambling the easier it becomes, in some respects that is true I suppose, but for me I found the longer I went without it the more I convinced myself that I had the upper hand. I was in charge I wasn’t powerless against gambling anymore because I wasn’t doing it, how was I powerless against? Because I had learned to live without it I must have learned how to walk away from it, take it or leave it. It would be okay now to have a bet, it had no control over me. I’ve found out though that the longer I went without it, and then decided to go back, the harder I fell. The more destitute I would become. The more of an utterly pathetic position I would put myself in.
I wouldn’t say I live in fear of gambling these days but I am aware, very aware, that I am still powerless against it, and it will **** my life up just like it always has done. I will always be powerless against it. I don’t really know if I view it as an illness, (it is bloody sick mind you), but I know I am a compulsive gambler and I will be for the rest of my life. Of course gambling holds no power whatsoever over me until I place a bet. Accepting what I am, a CG, and that I am powerless against it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
You have gotten yourself into this desperate position now eraser, please learn from it. You mightn’t think things could get any worse for you. They certainly could and probably will if you don’t get your head screwed on. Sometimes, (most of the time), it’s hard to put your finger on why you even had another bet and started the madness off again, for me it’s like I just ended up doing it. I had no intention of gambling, I just went out to get some bread and ended up in the bookies. Bollix. Why was it necessary to take a pocket full of money, just to get some bread?
I will, I suppose always write posts like the one wrote to you last week, whether to a stranger or to somebody I’ve known for ages. I know though that you won’t learn from my mistakes. My hope is that you might learn from the things I’ve done right. The things I’ve incorporated into my life. I’m not cured mate, this time next week or tomorrow I could easily be in your position if I take my foot of the gas. No doubt about it, I don’t need to see if I can gamble in a controlled way, I know I can’t, I know once it’s back in my life I would be powerless against it, and my life would be unmanageable. I’ve been to prison five times eraser, first time for six months, then twice for 12 months then an 18 month. All those sentences in about 5 or 6 years. Like my gambling, the crimes I done got progressively worse, every single one of them out of desperation because I was gagging to gamble. Where is the sense in that? Did I learn from that, no I bloody didn’t. I thought I had, but still I’d test the water. 17 years after the 18 month sentence I committed the most serious crime I had ever done, and back to jail I went. That’s only a small part of what gambling has done to me. Why did I go back to jail after 17 years? Just because I could not accept that I was powerless against gambling.
Not everybody is going to end up as bad as that mate, some people will have the common sense and realise they are powerless against it long before they start committing crimes. The foolish ones though will think, “That’ll never happen to me, I’ll stop before it gets that bad”. There are no guarantees with gambling mate.
Accepting you are powerless against it, and that your life has become unmanageable because of it, is step one in GA’s 12 step programme. I firmly believe that until any CG truly accepts that, and accepts that will never change then they are always going to **** things up. Don’t ever think you’re doomed to it, I don’t believe that any one is, nobody has to put up with that shite, but until you truly accept the fact you are powerless against it, I think you will always have urges. I am terrible at fighting urges, I can honestly say I havn’t had one at all this year I think that is because I wholeheartedly accept I can not do it. Gambling never gave me what I thought it did, quite the opposite, why would I get the urge for something that wrecks my life. The excitement? The rush? Utter nonsense. To me, if it still excites you or gives you that rush there must be things in your life that need to be dealt with. It is an escape, but whatever we are escaping from will still be there once we’ve put our self in the shite.
Having been in Shit Street so many times eraser, even if what I’ve written above makes perfect sense to you, (first time for everything), I would imagine your head keep jumping back to your immediate situation. Here you are with no money til payday, loads of debt feeling a complete ****, and some random bloke on the internet preaching about acceptance and powerlessness. You’ve got food, you’ve got fuel in the car and you’ve got a job. If you can, use the time before payday to exclude from even more bookies, I haven’t read all your thread eraser to be honest, I don’t know your circumstances, I don’t know if you’ve tried GA or counselling. But if you are deadly serious about wanting to stop this please consider getting the extra help. One thing that is proven time and time again is you cannot beat this alone. For me, my breakthrough came when I learned to talk and open up, when I’ve been desperate mate I even rang the Samaritans. It’s a hard thing to do and not for everybody. Gamcare also have a telephone service.
I hope that you managed to get your car fuelled up, and that you’ve managed to get your day 1 out of the way.
Let’s hope that it’s the last day 1 one you ever have to endure.
Take care.
Geordie.