Well, I didn’t actually expect to get to my thread quite so quickly. Even if I do not post here as often as I once did I think about this place a lot and about everyone who has taken even 1 minute (usually longer) to respond to my posts. IN the early days they were mad, full of self hate, self loathing. Then fear. Now, as I start posting a bit more regularly, I intend them to contain little nuggets of my recovery and the knowledge I am gaining in what recovery means.
First of all a big shout to all my old friends and to my new ones. I see there are new members here as well as regulars – big up to you all, and well done for coming here. This is a good starting point for recovery via abstinence.
I have so much to post I am actually going to spread it out. I am making a schedule for myself and am going to programme in upto 1 hour every 2 days to post, read and contribute.
The only thing I want to say right now is I finally found a sponsor to work with me on the 12 and recovery programme. Taking advice from an old timer in my London GA I went to NA. He said they are more together about recovery and step work, that GA is not the best place to do the steps and they are all the same and anyway, as I have said many time, drug use/ abuse was my first addiction/ compulsion.
I knew I was in the right place as soon as I walked in on Friday near Tottenham Court Road. A fella came up and spoke with me and welcomed me. We connected immeditaley and when I asked him if he had done sponsor work and he said yes I asked him if he would be my sponsor. He said he felt as soon aas I walked through the door he was going to sponsor me. Timing. Higher Power. Giving in to the addiction. It was one of the most spiritual moments of my life and I am not religious. He has 20 years of recovery and he is fantastic.
I am so happy to be back, I have so much good news to tell. I am not recovered. Infact I might have 97 days clean time G Free, but I have no recovery in terms of the personality change I want to make one day at a time. I have no or almost no gambling thoughts, as I know if I gamble I will lose even more than last time as one bet leads to another to another.
Things are tough with my soon to be exwife and on Weds we had an argument that was not helped by the fact that I have nor ecovery so I become petulant, manipulative and alround shitty making her cry. I was selfish, self centered and totakllky lacking in empathy. That was when I realised I have no recovery and hence me asksing advice at GA and getting the NA advice.
I’ve started steps 1 and 2. Step 1 is sorted but I keep reminding myself every day. I am powerless over gambling AND my life is unmanageable. I am now starting to wrap my head around my higher power, but some really strange and fortuitous things are happening. I had 3 day work last week filming, and possibly more coming up and maybe some amazing opportunities on the horizon. I have my desk set up in my old bedroom and the relationship with my parents is improving as I am making the effort.
I know things will not be easy going forwards, but as long as I do not gamble I can cope.
I go to GA in Derby on a Monday, Stoke on a Tuesday and London on a Thursday followed by an NA in London on a Friday. I am working on my honesty, listening, empathy and understanding. Not letting my ego run me.
I am going to sign off here so I can read some more posts before the group starts at 3pm.
Love to all, I am happy and grateful to be back, that a site like this exists. Without it I do not think GA would have been enough in those early days of Feb/ March this year.