Thank you for replying Vera. Yes it has me completely beat. Woke up today feeling sick to my stomach at how insane everything has gotten. My son in law is giving me 40 quid from an old loan that I gave him. Before gambling I was the person everyone came to for a loan. Now I am 1 step away from skid row. Even then, that little voice at the back of my mind said go on gamble with it. Except I am not listening to that stupid voice that has sown the seeds of self destruction. I have been here before. At the last relapse I was out of work for 4 months, which was a very depressing time. Every day same as the previous one until life finally shifted and then I attracted the same job as the situation I was in ie working for a bankrupt business. I do contract work which is highly paid and I have got into the habit of blowing my weekly pay on gambling. When the relapse starts there is a element of control which very quickly goes out of the window and always ends up in insanity. So I can never ever gamble again. I know and accept that. I hope when you say for every rock bottom there is a trap door doesn’t mean that it is possible to fall even further down or it means a way out! This is certainly a progressive disease with each relapse worse than the last. I need to find that person who I used to be and I agree that it will take time to heal. Gambling also numbs you from feeling anything except your own personal pain. I have surrendered but do not want to go through the 4 months of absolutely nothing that I did earlier in the year. That was soul destroying. Maybe GA is the difference as I did not go to GA when I relapsed last time or seek the help of the forums which are a lifeline. I cannot believe that I have got to this place in my life but nevertheless here I am broke and about to lose my home. Whatever it takes my life is not going to end like this. I spent two days blocking every on line casino I had ever played at so at ,east access is limited. There are still some I haven’t played at that I have found but will not be in action on them. It is better than I hate them. I am now an extinct player…….
