Day 62
62 days without gambling. I’m not sure how I’ve done it. I mean, it’s not like I’ve really really wanted to gamble in this time. I’ve missed it, but I haven’t craved it badly. I feel empty inside, and I know that gambling would temporarily fill up that hole. It’s not the long term solution, but it would be the solution for today.
I’ve dreamt 3 days in a row about gambling. I “relapse” in my dreams, wake up panicing and not knowing whether or not I had relapsed. Fortunately I haven’t, they were just dreams.
I feel really empty at the moment, like I’m living without purpose. I have no motivation to do anything. I’m always tired, I get angry and pissed off at the littlest things, I feel like everyone’s fighting against me, including myself. I have 4 weeks until I’m going into GM but it feels like 4 weeks too long. Time is going by slower and slower, I’m feeling more unhappy every day that goes by. I feel much worse than I did when I was gambling, and that’s hard to say and hard to accept, but it’s the truth. I was depressed when I was a gambler, but whilst I was gambling I was in my own little world, nothing cared. The pain wasn’t present. Right now I’m in a world of constant pain and misery, but without the ability to sink myself in gambling – that was my savior. Now I have nothing, nowhere to bury myself to mask my issues.
No one understands the gambling or how I’m feeling. I don’t even understand myself how I’m feeling, that’s the worst thing of all. I have no ambitions in my life right now . I can’t do much as I’m going in 4 weeks time (To GM). I’m just waiting to go and filling my time with pointless activities. I go out and socialise with who I can, but it’s all a cover up. I drink more now, it’s not like it eases the pain but at least I forget how shit my life is.
If it hasn’t gotten any easier in 9 weeks, why will I get any easier in 9 months? I could die and I literally wouldn’t care right now. At least I wouldn’t be an emotional wreck. I used to be the happiest, smileiest, funniest person ever. Now what am I? A disgrace to myself, to my family, to my friends… I’ve turned into a greedy depressed piece of shit, who doesn’t even want to be alive. How the **** did I get myself into this mess?
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, but frankly I can’t even imagine it.
MrExon