Day 58
Today I’m feeling good. I have cricket practice tonight, and I’m looking forward to that. My mum wants to take me shopping tomorrow (I haven’t bought myself clothes since I was 17, so 4 years ago). Saturday I have a cricket game, Satruday night I’m going out for a meal with a big group of friends, followed by going out clubbing and then Sunday my parents and my brother are coming to watch me play another cricket match.
Things that got to me yesterday:
1) lack of moral support from friends and family:
I may sound really selfish when I say this, but I feel like no one has my back at the moment. A month ago I told my parents I wanted them to come and watch me play cricket (why I should have to tell them to come is beyond me). We set a date in a calendar, and all was fine. It was this Sunday, and they are still coming. Just bare in mind I’ve played probably 7/8 games and my dad has come to 1, and my mum to none. Well yesterday I asked my mum if we would go together in the same car, and she had the gut to turn round and say “no, you go on your own as I don’t think we’ll stay for all of it”. Are you fucking kidding me? We set this date in the calendar a month ago, it’s a time when I’m stressed and depressed and need moral support, and you can’t even come to a whole match. Is this some kind of joke? My parents made all this fuss a few months back about “yeah we want to go and watch you but can’t, bla bla fucking bla”, all because I had a fit in front of my brother a while back saying that they aren’t supportive enough of me, yet that clearly hasn’t sunken in. I give up with them, they are supportive of what they want to be supportive of, and I can’t be arsed fighting over whether they can come and watch me play or not. They should want to come and watch. When my mum has singing concerts, I go to support her, I may not love it, but I do it because it means a lot to her. Clearly the feeling isn’t mutual.
2) my friend pissing his life up the wall:
My closest Spanish friend started dating a 35 year old woman with 2 kids who’s going through a divorce. He’s 20.
He met her through tennis (he’s a tennis coach) and they started hitting it off (whilst she was still in a relationship). We spoke extensively at the time of the pros and cons, and they didn’t do anything until she broke up with her husband. It’s a bloody long and boring story, but they are now dating and have been for around 6 months. Anyway, I haven’t seen my mate properly in a long time, not as much as we used to anyway. I understand he has a woman in his life and that takes up his time, but there’s limits. He no longer goes out with any of his friends from his friend group as “they aren’t proper friends”. He meets me and another friend on the odd occasion, and we don’t end up doing much or seeing each other for very long.
Anyhow, we met up last night to have dinner and watch a film (they had an open cinema night where I live, outside. It was really nice). I ended up driving him home, and we sat and chatted for a couple of hours. We used to do this ALL the time, we both love talking about life, and he has a great philosophy on life. It used to be brilliant. Anyway, we get talking about HIM, about how his work is going in the fields (he has a lot of land for produce) and how his tennis is going. Then the subject of his girlfriend comes up, which we ALWAYS talk about for 50% + the time we spend together. he didn’t ONCE ask me how I was doing, how I was getting on, whether I was ready for going back to England to GM. Nothing. I end up flipping out and saying I’m fucking fed up of doing everything everyone else wants to do, yet no one wants to do what I want to do. One thing I really love is going out clubbing. I’m a huge music fan, I love dancing, and I like having a drink. It’s my ideal situation. Most of my male friends dislike it, or don’t have the money to go out. He however, loves it. Last summer we spent 6 days going out to bands and clubbing, all in the space of 9 days. We loved going out, chatting up women, drinking, dancing, talking, laughing. Well, summer fiestas in our village start on Saturday, and they last 9 days. He doesn’t want to go out for a single one. “I hate clubbing” he said. I don’t know how I didn’t smack him. I told him he’s changing, and he only has time for what he wants to have time for. It’s bullshit. He works a lot, I know, but so do I. He has time for his girlfriend, but none for no one else. I’m fed up. I said “look mate, I’m going in 4 weeks for almost 4 months. Can you not even ask me what I want to do, and just do it? Even if you despise it, do it, do it for me.” Nothing. He’s convinced he’s in the right, that he hasn’t changed, and that he still likes what he used to like, and still hates what he used to hate. I give up.
The worst thing is it’s not just him. Any friends I go out and see, everyone’s so stuck up their own fucking arses that they don’t care about anyone else, then there’s me who just goes around and does what everyone else wants to do because if I didn’t, well I’d be stuck at home all day.
I’ve decided to put two fingers up to everyone, do what I want for 4 weeks because I’m going to have a lot of freedom taken away from me when I’m back at GM, and I’m gonna miss it. I’m fed up of running around trying to make everyone else happy and then end up suffering myself. If no one wants to go clubbing, screw them, I’ll go myself. I’m only doing what I want to do these next few weeks, as I believe that I’m in the right to be a bit selfish for once. (This doesn’t mean i’m not gonna do the washing up because I don’t feel like it).
Sorry if this comes across as aggressive, it’s my thread and I think it’s best to get the emotions out rather than exploding.
Advice anyone?
MrExon