Diary day
Yesterday was a day when things could of gone wrong for me in my recovery if I wasn’t committed to change. The Grand national was on and people were constantly talking about it and it was all over Facebook. These are challenges that I will face throughout the rest of my life. I took myself away from it and just thought about different things. It made me feel better about myself as well. Just before the race one of the lads in my room started to stream it so again I just took myself away and called my wife after she had offered me the support if I was struggling with the day. A familiar voice that I love made such a difference.
I am another day into my count of no gambling and I am so glad I have stopped. I feel stronger and better for it. I just need to work hard to repair all the damage I have caused.
No one is to blame for what happened except me and I have to live with that. It’s how I decide which way I live with it that’s is important. I can feel sorry for myself and not do anything and constantly look back at what I did or I look forward and stay positive and strong and say I beat this I recovered and I don’t look back. I will and must not ever forget what I have done though as this will help me make sure I never do it again. I know that I can and will beat this.
I am constantly looking online for information and story’s so I can kind of explain what happened and why I didn’t say anything and I know that is hurting my wife a lot. It wasn’t because I didn’t love her. It was a small problem to start and before I knew it I was out of control and none of it ever felt real. All the time I spent with my family was true and I wanted to be there. I picked the worst way I could to cope with the time I was spending away and like I said it was just small to start with a bit of a release and before I knew it I was chasing my losses.
I hate myself for what I have done and I am truly sorry.
I will also hate myself if I don’t do everything I can to fix it or at least try to fix it.
I love my family and you all so deary even if you can’t see that because of what I did that is true.
I always thought I could fix it.
I’m sorry