lots of things going on in mind.. once i start thinking about my kids.. i find it difficult to resist to try again to convince my wife.. i called her twice this morning.. only to end up feeling bad about myself.. her list of accusations are long and she cannot leave the past behind.. it some ways prompt me to give up on recovery and when i was in action. that used to be my excuse, but now atleast at present.. i am not having any urge to gamble.. may be all these tax problems and other things have occupied my mind, so there is no space left for them.
the only thing which gives me happiness is my capability to work hard.. i have excellent relation with all my staff members and they are the only people whom i meet in real life apart from this virtual family. loneliness is one thing, which gradually creeps in, and that was the one reason for my relapse last time.. i have seen that tiredness and boredom also played a big role and may be the satisfaction of making extra money also gave me encouragement to gamble.. i am trying to list my triggers so that i can find things to deal with them.. last night, i finished at midnight, very tired but still not wanted to go to bed straight away.. in my gambling days.. that used to be the time, when i used to start looking at the markets and planning for my bets.. yesterday i started watching movie on my phone and my temptation to look what is happening in the world just vanished..
once my finanical situation gets little better, i will try to start running again.. used to go last year in the morning.. that is also satisfying and relase lot of serotonin in the brain to make me happy.. there are two types of people here on the site these days.. one who are very determined and making all efforts to keep progressing in recovery and then there are few who just want to have some short term support and answers and then go back.. i must say that i was the second one for nearly a month in november,, used to come,, read few posts, never wrote and used to calm down for a moment and then go back there again .. loose everything again. then come back.. read few stories.. go back..
i am glad that i am hooked on to it now.. and may be first time.. i am realizing that recovery is not just stopping gambling.. have a good day.. thanks for reading..tomorrow will be better than yesterday.
