I feel sick again as if I didn’t fully recover from my cold… I got my 30 days gambling free patch last night at the GA meeting, which felt like a nice little achievement. I also included another friend in this whole gambling situation last night, and like my friend from last week he reacted very supportive and understanding so now I feel even more confident to tell the rest of the guys about my addiction.
The past week I’ve been struggling with the loss of momentum (much to do with the cold I got) and signs of old behavior or making excuses for not doing the things I told myself to do each day to sort myself out. But attending the GA meeting last night kind of woke me up again and reminded me why I am on the path I am on right now. So I’m kind of fighting to get back up on the horse again.
Also, I’m having a hard time accepting and recognizing the fact that my brain has massively changed for the worse from a decade of gambling addiction, and in realizing that I want to change that immediately. But for that, I must identify what needs to be changed, how to change it, and follow through on that whilst taking care of my duties and responsibilities to others in my day to day life. And so, I feel kind of overwhelmed and in a constant struggle where everything becomes work and a hassle leaving little to no time for leisure ( without making me feel guilty). This creates big chaos in my head, which I can’t seem to find order in and I walk around doing things being unhappy.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense or if there is any structure in this, I’m just writing what comes to mind.