Day 30.
Supposed to be a big day. Yeah, ok. I’ll take it.
Don’t want claps or cheers or a rediculous month chip from GA. I just don’t.
What I want is more. More time behind me. I want to forget and I know the way forgetting works…it is a roller coaster. I bought a ticket for this ride and I’m not getting off. Never again.
My life will simply have to be what it was supposed to be if I hadn’t/don’t gamble. If it’s not perfect, fine. If a meteor hits the Earth, if the absolute worst that I can imagine happens, at least o wasn’t the reason for it…maybe. If my losses cause any more pain…particularly serious, then yes, I’ll never recover. But if tough things happen..as they do in life…that has nothing to do with my gambling…I’ll survive it, because I’ve dealt pain. I’ve provided pain, vacillated it.
I don’t want to regret any more. I want to experience what I’m supposed to. What I was made for.
One day at a time? Sure. Fine. I’m going for a lifetime at a time, because otherwise I’ll succumb. No days. No 30 day chips. No year celebrations…for me they’re crutches…more than that, they leave the door open.
My door is closed. Locked. Bolted. Backed with dynamite.
I have no doubts and I know why. I see who I am and I don’t like it. I want more. I want life. Addiction can take a leap.