I am committed to quitting gambling. I don’t think I could have really said that before. Or at least not in the past 3-6 months or so.
Last night I read through my thread and I realize I’ve been here before. When I look at it, I feel like this is the third chapter of really trying. All the stuff in between was just me chasing and not going for a day or so but not really committed to trying.
In September I was doing so good. I was at 16 days. But something I read here was actually what made me think it was ok to “try” to gamble again. I read people saying, relapse is part of recovery. It was a blip in my recovery. And so I told myself if I went, I could just call it a “blip”, a minor roadblock. But the thing is it was so much more than that.
I don’t remember if I won or lost that night but it doesn’t matter because either way I know I kept gambling. Whether it was to win more or chase my losses but either way it wasn’t a blip. It was a calculated decision I made to gamble.
I know I need to be honest with my family but I think I ultimately have to be honest with myself first. I am back on here, writing everyday to keep myself accountable. I have made a calendar to keep track of days as well as keep track of triggers and to track my spending. I really want this time to be different.
