Thanks for replying Johnny, it’s great to have you and other people as peer support.
I still feel very depressed about the loss.
I know I have the guts in me to stop completely gambling, the hard part is accepting the huge sum I lost. But at the same time I acknowledge that chasing the sum is really no option and by doing that is going deeper in to the rabbit hole. I guess life is full of disappointments and this is just one of them. I guess I’m lucky to be still breathing and healthy.
I had slight suicidal thoughts yesterday night and for a brief moment I wished that my life would completely stop. But then I thought about my beautiful girlfriend and my family, dogs etc. I know that I have to keep fighting for all the people (and animals) I love.
I’m also adapting this positive new mindset: I’ll try to make this loss “worth it” by starting to eat healthier, losing weight, starting new activities and being overall a better man to my girlfriend and other people. I guess time will heal the wounds caused by the gambling and those losses and griefs will be eventually fulfilled with new life experiences.
These things can be positive turning points of life in the long term.
BTW. I still relapsed and gambled all I had left in my bank account (130$) and lost it all. I thankfully have 300$ in cash which I’m going to stretch till my paycheck in 2 weeks.
I’ll try to take one day at a time and use discipline. Gambling stops now!