Not thought about gambling at all. Went to GA last night, saw old friends. Spoke with many people. Today ahs been a tough day moodwise – still full of regret and remorse, thinking about what I did and why i did it – how could I be so stupid. It’s not just the gambling, it’s the way I’ve been living my life, not doing things properly. Gambling took up so much of my headspace I didn’t pay my copmany bills when I could have, didn’t work on the project hard enough (even though the client is happy) and could have made more money by reinvesting the profits to make more money. So many missed opportunties. I am sure, though, if I sort my heda out and stay away from gambling life is bound to throw me more opportunities.
I still think about my doc: Recovery, One Day At A Time. I have a clearer idea about it now. It will feature testimonials from compulsive gamblers in various stages of recovery, talking about not just their gambling, what they did, what it made them do and who they became while gambling, but who they are now, what their path is, where they are trying to go. I want the film to be positive and optimistic. I will also feature in it so I can tell my story – if I am making the film then I will be in recovery, but the film is not about me. But with the filmmaker being the same as the characters, that adds a certain weight that I like. I will also feature experts in compulsive gambling, talk about studies, explain what compsulsive gambling is so people understand it better. It really is not understood as well as say alcoholism or drug addiction. I want the film to lay bare the trauma that having a gambling addiction can bring. I read it every day here on the blogs, but I read about recovery as well.
I spoke to my sponsor today for some advice. He stopped gambling at the age I am now, after 20 years of gambling. When he finally stoped (and he has been gamble free for 9.5 years) he felt releif. It took 3 years of going to GA to finally stop. From owing 000s he now has a flat, car, hiw own succesful busness and life is good for him. He is now 52/3. He is loving life, still has his ups and down, but he has returned to a normal way of life, as the GA book says.
I know that one day at a time I can achieve this – I need to plan for the future, but not stress over it. I need to start thinking forwards, not back. It is had at the moment as I am in the middle of the train wreck, but hopefully this will make me stronger.
Onwards and upwards everyone.
I love you all, and I hope you can stay gamble free. For those of you still going through the lasping. relapsing period stick it out – it is worth it.