Day 241 – Thanks Charles and JayKay for checking in and offering some sound advise.
Hey Peaceful Dreams – I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties gambling has caused you. I’m glad to hear you’re looking for some help. It is hard to just write on some weird internet site about all your feelings and the crap you’ve done to yourself over the years. In order to work through this horrible disease we have I think it’s going to be important for you to start your own thread and just put it all out there. Tell yourself by writing it out how you feel. Write a freaking 10 page essay on there but just get it out man. It will be therapeutic for you and make you feel a little better. Then go back to GA and get a sponsor. Is there anyone that you can trust to help you with your finances? Have someone step in and be a part of that that you’re accountable too whenever you send money. These are all small things and I know you’re thinking this guy is telling me all the same crap. You’re right. What you’re going through is very unique and not many people will understand it and it’s going to hurt bad for you to come to grips with it. But you can if you choose too. We all can. You are a strong person. Be the person you know you can and just don’t gamble. You have gambled for 50 years and have nothing good to show from it. Tell me anything else you’ve done for 50 years and that you’re not good at? If you were cooking spaghetti sauce for 50 years at the rate of practice I’m guessing you’d have some of the best sauce out there. Had you been doing just 5 jumping jacks for every bet you made you’re be in great shape. If you were learning how to play an instrument you’re probably be extremely good by now. But with gambling we stay the same…. just losing our money and never realizing that Gambling + Gambling = Losing Everything.
Life without gambling has been good. Like any other horrible addiction I imagine it’s not just the elimination of the bad habit but also living with the consequences of what the bad habit did to me. The evilness of gambling will always be with me looming. It’s my job to rise above it and control myself. Again – that doesn’t mean it’s ever gone. At least not for me and it sounds like not some of you guys either. And that’s ok. The other day I missed the feeling of gambling action and the high I got from it. In my head I was justifying the thought for a second like I used to do about how I could gamble to make some extra cash. It was just for a second but the thought came across my mind. The weird part is that I don’t need the money it was just a thought. A trigger for me is loneliness so I have to be on heightened alert when I’m feeling that way.
I had my first gambling gambling dream in a while the other day as well. I remember placing some sort of bet and realizing my days were gone. The feeling was horrible.
I am out of debt again but can’t stand thinking about how much money I lost and what I could have done with that money had I not lost it all. I talked to my brother in law the other night about how much I lost and it’s just a surreal number. I am living with it and dealing with the consequences but it still sucks. I just wish it was half that number. But then again I try to remind myself that money doesn’t really bring happiness. It brings a sense of made up happiness. Happiness comes from within. I’ve had money and I didn’t feel happier or even use the money well. I was sick inside and most likely always have been.
I don’t have the answers, I’m not sure anyone really does. I just know that gambling is bad and left me a state of despair. I lost everything of who I am. I didn’t just lose the money. I lost a sliver of myself. A slice of caring and emotion. Gambling took that from me or I allowed gambling to take that from me. I struggle with that as well. I do notice that I am much more calm no and things just don’t upset me like the used to. I am much more in control of my feelings these days.
I won’t gamble today and hope all of you have a great Monday!