I am so scared, so angry at myself for the situation I have created. No with some serious gamble free time I am struggling to put the pieces back together. I really have broken everything.
My wife, my family, my sanity, my business, my income. Everything – all because I was lazy and thought I could coast through life without thinking or planning, just so I could gamble. Looking back I knew, and have known, it was a problem. I remember thinking what happens if I get caught – she’ll leave me. I remember thinking, pay the company debts while you have the money. Then I remember thinking, just a few hands of poker, instead of working on the business.
When we got the contract I said to my wife I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes, I was going to set the company up, create something for our future, never gamble again.
WHy did I do it? Not just the gambling, but the ignoring of the company. This time last year it was all in my hands, and now it’s all broken.
I am so scared of what happens next and how to deal with it. All the people outside of my family I have let down. What kind of a father am I to leave his son potentially homeless, his wife without an income. WHy have I ruined everything – why couldn’t I see this coming? It was so obvious now I look back.
I have so many problems in my life and they are all created by me not doing the work, thinking that somehow I can just coast along without putting in the effort. Well, this is where I have to put in the effort – my life is a train crash and it doesn’t just involve me. It involves my wife and a little bot of 17 months old. What kind of a shitty man am I? How oculd I let this addiction wreak so much damage – the lying, the sneaking, the lack of work, the lack of foresight. The longer I go without gambling the harder it gets as I have nowhere to run to.
The thought of gambling horrifies me but I know if I went here I could forget for a little bit – but I would wipe myself out in so many ways.
I really don’t know where to turn – my head is so clouded, my judgement so poor. I do not have the skills to cope in this situation. I am fearful of the consequences. Should I be punished, how can I fix it?
I know that no one on this site can help me, except support me, be nice to me. I didn’t ask for this illness, but I didn’t get help soon enough. I knew I had the illness as well, have known for years. But I let it get the better of me last year, and it really did destroy me. If I had stopped last year I could have avoided ALL of this. There really was no need for me to do this – it was wilful self destruction. I am culpabale. I had already sought help for the addiction, but I didn’t accept how bad it was. I didn’t listen – I don’t listen.
What do I do – I am so close to doing something stupid again. I don’t know where to turn for help, I really don’t. What do I do about my business, the clients, my wife’s redundancy. I am so lost, I am afraid I am going to do something stupid like try to hurt myself again. I don’t want to do that, I really don’t. I want to put my hands in the air and own up and say “I DID THIS”.
I cannot sleep through worry, I wake up in the morning my head spinning with should have done this, why did I do that, how could I do that. It’s not even just the addiction that did this, but me. I did not think ahead, I did not sit down and plan forwards. I just expected everything to be ok. I lies and lies and lies. The gambling took me further and further away from reality. I really have, for the time being, ruined my life.
This is the kind of sitiuation that makes or breaks you. I read stories of people on here who have overcome such things – do I have the character to solve this problem, one way or the other. What is the right decision, there are so many ways this could go.
I go to GMA soon, but I have to solve these issues first, otherwise I will not be able to focus on GMA, there will be too many open threads which will derail my recovery.
I know that dealing with this situation is part of my recovery, but I am so scared, so full of self loathing that I allowed this to happen, it is stopping me living.
Infact, I haven’t been alive for a hell of a long time, to be honest. Not truly alive, relxaed, enjoying the moment. I am and have been a bag of nerves for many years, I have not dealt with the issues in my life.
I love my son so much but I hate the fact I have created this terrible world for him and his mum – he doesn’t deserve that. Is he better off without me? Is the world better off without me? WHo do I turn to? I can call the Samaritans, they will listen, but they cannot help me.
I cannot remember the last time I slept, I have so many things on my mind, big things. Debts, historical debts, the company, the future, what I have done. What a terrible person I am for having continued to gamble. What a fool? I remember playing poker so much last year, way more than I spent on the business. Imagine what I could have done?
I remember when I first went to GA and I heard stories of people who gambled for 10-20 years, lost everything. Houses, businesses, futures, wifes, freedom etc etc. I remember thinking I will never be like that – but somehow deep down I knew I was and I had to do that. I HAD to be a proper CG. Why? Because I hate myself, and I have to do things which encourage me to hate myself more. And then I end up here, full of self pity, wallowing, no strength. I am such a waste of space, just drawing air. I have no redeeming festuares at all. I am pathetic.
What do I do now, how to do fix this one day at a time. What is my goal, how do I set a goal. How do I make everyday count?
If there is anyone here who has pulled themselves back form the brink – debts, loss of job, business, etc etc and they have succeeded please post here. I need encouragement. I need help.