Hi guys,
Me right now: “stupid brain, do NOT try that one ever again!”
As it typically does, suddenly got some strong gambling urges this afternoon and literally spent about 2-3 hours going through various online casino/poker/sportsbetting websites. It’s a minor miracle that despite signing up for a few of them I ended up not depositing a single dollar and actually self-excluded from about 7-8 of these websites.
As usual, some recent unexpected expenses (plus a few anticipated near future ones) got my addiction to convince me that if I just won maybe $50-100 it’d offset those. Despite not actually depositing I still felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety (breathlessness, stress etc.) that usually comes with actual gambling. I wasted a good couple of hours just browsing these websites battling myself internally. Luckily, I used all of my willpower and finally turned it into a positive in the end by excluding from a few further new casinos that had recently become available in my country (also confirmed that a few other websites where I had self-excluded from still had my accounts disabled). But damn it was tough and I’m not happy with myself. I’m going to have to adjust my mind-set a little more to ensure this doesn’t happen again but I’m quite tired atm and need some time before I can reflect and learn about these triggers/urges and how to prevent them/fight them off easier next time.
It really makes no sense whatsoever. My savings are looking healthy again. I have no idea what I was hoping to achieve by winning “back” $100 of my relatively minor expenses. I’m literally risking losing 5 figures just to win back a couple of hundred bucks. Ridiculous I know. It doesn’t even make a difference in the grand scheme of things; I don’t need any extra money urgently, nor would winning a few hundred even make me happy (in fact, not playing, has made me 100 times happier than if I played and won say $100…restarting this diary to day 0 again seems like a sickening proposition and would really set me back mentally). I also (only a couple of days ago) promised to my gf, hand on heart, that I would never touch gambling again. Luckily this factor did play a role in me not playing but damn I was close. Felt so bad to think I was so close to breaking that promise, plus the promise to myself and the promise made on this diary. I’m someone who always keeps my word. No more lies or cover ups. I am no longer a gambler and I don’t need to hide anything or feel guilty inside.
If I play again, I risk losing it all, and then going into debt to chase it back. Then hiding it all from my family and gf. That’s the rock bottom gambling inevitably leads to. I can see it happening. I know what it’s like. I was almost there before. I’ve seen it happen to one of my friends and a number of my acquaintances. But I will not let it happen this time. Every time I play I risk losing it all and losing who I am. I will not let that happen.