I’ve been so busy trying to get straight as a single occupant in my house that I’ve missed out on quite a few things recently. Number one, I haven’t been putting much time into keeping up with this journal. But I’ll continue to check in from time to time. Number two, I’ve been trying to sort things at home so much, I’m constantly spending at the moment and not having chance to add to my savings. Three, I missed a milestone it seems. I’ve been gamble free for just over six months! That’s pretty badass to be fair. But it’s not been without temptation. I’m still continually tempted by the machines at work, but so far my rational thought Is winning every time. Just today, I had to open the secretary’s office to let someone do work on the roof. I noticed an opened box on the side. Inside the box were thousands of unopened cards from the machine downstairs. The cards are basically a quid each. You pull off the tabs, if you match 3 symbols, you can win money. Fortunately I’m not in a stage of blood lust where it was impossible for me not to take some. I left them well alone, once again realising how far I could slip if I got back on the gambling slope.
I had a horrible dream the other night. It kinda made sense and it didn’t. I remember my mother asked to borrow my iPad. I got a nervous feeling she’d see my bank account but I handed it over anyway. She immediately logged onto my bank for some reason. I snatched it off her and started screaming at her for looking. She didn’t say a word. I eventually went to bed. I also remember lying there thinking, she’s gonna come up to see if I’m ok soon and I’ll be able to explain and say sorry. She never came and I woke up feeling awful. I think it’s more a fear of the silent disappointment that worry’s me the most.
My girlfriend asked about my gambling the other night. I was late out of work waiting for people to leave. She basically said, it’s probably not a problem anymore because you’ve not mentioned it. But your still off gambling aren’t you? I didn’t lie, but I only told half the truth. I said, as she knows, I’ve had my problems. But so far I’m on 27 weeks without gambling and I’m hoping I’m done for good. She was proud of me and said she’s always there if I need to talk. It’s a tempting offer, but I know her too well to know she’d never understand my actions when I was at my lowest…
