Day 19,
I deleted my previous comment about my girlfriend’s gift to me. I told her I think gambling is compulsive and a waste of money, and also told her I don’t like casinos. I did not tell her about my past, but I think she knows I have a slight problem with gambling. She really wants to go and cannot get a refund, so **** it. Say what you want, I don’t care. Say I’m not being truthful and I’m being deceitful. I have actually taken action against my problem and put up blockers and made it impossible to gamble where I live. That’s a lot more than I have done in the past.
I deleted my previous post because, even though I was being honest, we’re all on here to get our lives in order. There shouldn’t be posting about making a decision to go gamble. Having posts about relapsing and past gambling is fine, but no posts that should suggest that it is okay to go gamble in the future. I apologize if I upset anyone about that.
I think instead of having the goal to stop gambling, I am going to focus more on honesty and integrity. I have lied a lot in the past, especially to my mom. Mostly had to do with something along the lines of, “did you finish your homework?” It was so much easier to lie and say yes then actually do it. If I told my mom everything I have lied about, she would probably croak, but I’m sure she already knows because she’s my mom. I did tell her about what I’ve done with gambling, so at least there’s some silver lining there.
If I tell my girlfriend, I’m afraid it will be over. I finally found someone that I want to spend my life with, and I am starting to realize that I may have ruined it. Pretty sure god hates me. He does a great job tearing people away from me the minute I get close to someone. I was incredibly close to my aunt, then she was taken because of pancreatic cancer. My grandma was also my entire world, and she was isolated in her final month by my father so that he and my step mom could change the will behind everyone’s backs so that they got everything. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I don’t care about the money, I just wanted to tell her that I loved her more than anything, and I couldn’t thank her for everything she has done for me. I’m struggling so hard to write this. Maybe I gambled for escapism? Who knows, who cares. All I know is if I tell my girlfriend, I’ll be depressed and single, but at least I’ll be gamble free. That’s something, right? Take care everyone
–Nick