Day 19-
Hurricane Ophelia has passed and it seems life has returned to normal- when the country was in lock down yesterday I did not know how to fill my time- instead of making the most of unexpected time in the house I spent most of the day using online support sites – today I am thinking maybe it is just as well. Maybe I am not yet ready for those unexpected days yet and although I feel I wasted the day at least I did not gamble . I stayed up much too late and realised I was having urges – a lot of my gambling was done after the rest of the family was in bed – old habits die hard .
I am two days off three weeks – the time doesn’t seem to be going so fast now – it seems like forever since I gambled .
I feel the impatience which is one of my biggest faults returning.
I was reading Lizbeth’s thread and I was completely awestruck by her honesty and her determination – it made me remember lots of the stuff I used to post –
in my life there is someone who treats me in a most disrespectful manner – it hurts most not because of how I am spoken to but because it happens often in front of my child. It should hurt because I am worth more – but it really doesn’t .
I talked last night on group about how I often cannot be bothered to assert myself because I feel numb- like what’s the big deal – like it doesn’t really matter .
I sometimes cannot believe the mistakes I have made in life – I cannot believe where I have ended up .
The great thing about not gambling is we end up eventually having money – and money gives us choices . In many ways it suits the “non-cg ” partner for us to have an addiction – we are never going anywhere if we are skint . Maybe that’s all part of enabling – I am starting to think that enabling is a form
Of control… and of course they are always the victims and we are always in the wrong .
When your life and your happiness feels controlled by others you seek escape – sometimes the wrong escape .
Today I am thinking I do not need to seek escape – I need to make decisions – decisions which will make me happy and send a clear message to my child that we are all worth it .
I need to plan my life a little instead of following the impulsive course it always has –
That planning might involve staying- it might mean going – but it will definitely mean what has gradually become acceptable will no longer be acceptable .
This lady is learning from others on here – I see my story reflected in the pages of others on both forums –
Not all our stories are the same – but we all deserve total respect and once we reach adulthood , we should be allowed or control our own lives.
Day 19 – and reality is hitting hard .