Hi P,
I wish gambling was my problem. I think that JD is right, gambling is not really my problem. Gabling was a sympton of a deeper malaise linked to my low self esteem, self hatred. I am just worthless, and gambling was just another way of reinforcing that. Another way is to run my company into the ground instead of building up, just to prove I am more worthless. The self harming – just another way to show myself how worthless I am.
The truth is I think I have felt like this for my whole life, I just ignored it. I am undeserving. I just let people down, I cannot be trsuted, have no skills what-so-ever, and no futuyre. These are the thoughts running through my mind.
My head is ringing from hitting it so hard. I am upsetting all my family but I cannot seem to snap out of it, everything else seems so pointless. I simply don;t deserve the love that everone is showing.
I have no urges to gamble right now, but the only urges I get are self destrcutive – to hit myself, punish myself. I can’t stop it – it’s the only way I can feel something.
I think I am going to have to stay away from these blogs for a bit, I don’t think they are healthy for me, reasing about other people’s success. Gambling isn’t my problem, it’s a sympton of something else.
Lots of my love to everyone.