Things are not getting easier in my mind. I didn’t sleep well again, the thoughts of how stupid I have been running through my mind. How if I had stopped this time last year and focused on my family AND business, I would be in a different place right now. The amount of times I gambled last year. The problem with poker is that it can take sup so much of your time – you can spend hours at a table – so even play low stakes you can’t lose much money, but it rots your brain. I played so much, for days and nights at a time, on the toilet, in cafes, on trains, on buses, in the park. Whenever I could. All I could think about when I wasn’t playing was playing again. If I was down, I had to win it back. If I was up I wanted to win more.
Despite the fact I had my own business, playing that stupid game over-rode everything else. I was and still am truly addicted. I know if I played again I would soon slip into old patterns, but probably play higher tables. I know I can never play again.
I am with my son at the breakfast table this morning, trying to focus on him. My wife is running around being amazing. I will miss them both when they are gone. I feel very dislocated – I cannot believe what I have done.
I suffer from lack of honesty, low self-esteem, low self worth. I have always felt I am not worth it, and I think gambling has reinforced that notion in me. 3 years ago I knew I had a problem but I didn’t take it seriously. I pretended to quit but continued playing sneakily. I kept getting caught as it kept making me depressed. I then became a better liar. I kept that up all year – it was clear to see something was not right in my but I blamed it on the fact that my wife and mum don’t get on, problems at work etc etc. It was ALL the gambling affecting me. I blamed my moods on EVERYTHING apart from gambling. I remember being really worried about everything – because I couldn’t think straight – because I was gambling so much.
Just for today, I will not try and fix my whole life’s problems at once. I ca do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumed to be true what Abraham Lincoln said that “most folks as are happy as they make up their minds to be”
Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
Just for today I will not gamble.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
I cannot change the fact that I am a compulsive, addicted gambler. I cannot change the fact that over the last 3 years I have sacrificed by family, career and health to play a stupid game which resulted in my suffering terrible depression, monetary losses and, more importantly, the loss of my family.
I cannot change the fact that last year, when I could have quit for good and go help, I didn’t.
I can change the future from one of bleakness by one of hope by focusing on what I can do each day. Today I can have a good day by achieving what is on my list – helping my wife close down the busiess and make sure she gets her money.
I love everyone here very much. Once I get to the end of today I will reach a new point in being gamble free. I lasted 18 days last time – now, I want to go for the rest of my life but abstinance is not enough. Not gambling is not enough – I have so much work to do on myself. I can slowly over time rebuild myself.
Where do I want to be in 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 2 years, 3 years. I have never planned before. But what I know is that I do not want my current life to continue, I want to make changes. And they are made slowly over time, not over night. There are no montage scenes in life as in the movies, we have to do everything the long way.
I hope everyone is good, and I look forward to reading other people’s positive updates.
All my love
Mav