I cannot imagine ever gambling again. But I am still a long way from recovery in terms of dealing with my defects of character.
I couldn’t sleep last night, tossing and turning, strage thoughts through my mind, strange idea. All because of what I am doing right now. I am at a garage having a leisure battery fitted in my car so I can live in my car more effectively and be able to charge my laptop/ phone etc without draining my car battery. This will make it easier staying in London.
So I listened to some film podcasts from radio 3 as I stared out the window at my parents house watching the sun rise. And then Matthew Sweet, the presenter talking about fairytale movies, mentioned 2 words:
Nominative Determinism
The Idea that your name plays a large part in who you become. That some professionals end up in jobs that fit their names.
eg: Pole Positions — The Polar Regions and the Future of the Planet, written by Daniel Snowman
So being called Maverick, has that made me: be very independent to the point of craziness, as well as fostering in me a desire to play cards and gamble, leading me to where I am.
I have a meeting with National Problem Gambling CLinic on Friday and my treatment, which is not CBT but will be psychodynamictherapy, and will raise it there.
I hope everyone is well, and that you can cope with the urges when they come. I have very few, but to be honest my life is such a mess that gambling would make it worse:
1) NO gambling
2) NO drinking
3) NO drugs
One day at at time doing that means I can cope with whatever life throws at me better and better.
See you soon
Mav