13 days today. I used to think that once I’d done a week, the problem was behind me. I feel sick to my stomach today as I write this. I thought it best to come on here and write in my journal. I’ve been very itchy and in my head all day today. I’ve been constantly thinking about how I’m going to claw back the money I’ve lost. It’s going to take a couple of years to even be anywhere close. All I can think at the moment is, if I just start gambling my wages every week maybe I can occasionally win the odd grand to put into my savings. I know if even once I lost my wages one week I would just dive into my savings to make it back up. I’ll never be able to escape this nightmare. I still don’t feel comfortable telling anyone. I just can’t face another emotional kick in the bollocks. I think I’ve pretty much decided I can’t tell my partner. She’d never be able to understand and relate to my problems. She won’t see them as problems, she’d see it as just wasting money instead of something I couldn’t control at the time.
I did something silly earlier. I google searched for Dynamite Digger, which is the video slot I played all the time. It took me to Labrokes online casino. I went as far as looking at the sign up page that would let me ‘quick sign up with paypal’. I thought about the £66 I currently know is available in my paypal. But what’s £66 when my average spin was always £40. It’s probably been the worst day since I last gambled today. Not helped by the fact someone just went of the bandit at work and I heard that pound coin bypass the hopper and nestle in the bottom box, clearly shouting over to me “I’m full and ready to drop”…
Feeling weak… Must plod on…
