Dear diary,
I have procrastinated in the past, I made up my mind that today will be the day dated 15 Sep 2015.
I have missed almost all the meetings and stop going to recovering places and church since 5th Aug 2015. I have lost focus.
I felt that I have suddenly became more self-centered and less God centered in my living.
I knew I am suddenly struggling now.
I knew God was always here but I no longer have the same connection, I cannot hear and feel God.
My books are near, I can pick it up but I could not concentrate and absorb the stuff I read and I lost the patient to read too.
My last resort was playing service by popular pastors on youtube when I go to sleep.
Anyway back to this day, I told myself it is either today or I will struggle to go back, I just finished my 12 hours shift at 7 am and force myself to visit the recovery drop in center. I reach the place at 8 am, it was not open until 9 am but it is fine, I like to sit one corner quietly enjoy the peace all the time but not today, after 15 minutes I don’t have the patient so I left for the place to get myself a breakfast and come back later.
After breakfast, as I walk back to the recovery center, I thought to myself that this could be a bad decision, I should go home and sleep after finishing my graveyard shift. I was walking a long the passage way, an elderly beggar caught my attention, he look clean and have a small sling bag beside him, he doesn’t look like a homeless man, he look more like an elderly person who doesn’t have a clear man. It was a busy street with many people rushing to work, I was sure he will get what he wants but I hear me complaining he was hungry. A few person passes by, why didn’t anyone hear him or do anything. I knew it was my calling and I thank God for showing me he was here …thank you God, I bought a packet of food and a bottle of drink and hand it to the elderly man, I was still a little doubtful whether I made a good decision to reach out, maybe he just wanted money. I watch from a distance, I saw him immediately reaching into the plastic bag for the drink and look at the packet of food, I don’t have to watch anymore, I am sure this man really mean what he say when he tell people passing by him in the busy street he was hungry. I thank God for this opportunity do deliver the food to him. I thank God for showing his presence to me.
A moment ago, I was still telling myself that I could have made a bad decision, I should go home and not the recovering center at this early hour, the whole journey could be a waste of time and effort but after this incident, even if I do not benefit from the visit to the recovery center, this trip have help this elderly man, my visitto the recovery center was not a wasted trip.
When I reach the recovery center, I met a recovery person I met in year 2006, we sat down and chatted, soon there was 4 of us including the staff there. I can feel the difference immediately after. Here everyone speak the recovery language, talking to them help change my life focus back to my recovery mode, my God, my recovery and not my work, my money. Thank you God!
Everything happen for a reason. I was very sure if I had not work very hard to stay total abstinence for more than 180 days, I wouldn’t have strength to hold on to my recovery, I wouldn’t have the clear mind and body to feel…..feel the changes taking place in my life.
I want to follow Christ and his words, I was not perfect in doing so but I will do my best. I need God to give me wisdom to tell me what I can do and what I cannot do.
I can speak to the professional in psychology or people trained in addiction, they accept relapse as part of addiction, they accept that I am human, I have my needs and it was normal sometime. I shouldn’t beat myself up for doing a normal thing.
I can still remember the joy and peace I had and enjoy when I give up my self-will and follow God ‘s will. It was a beautiful experience, this is the kind of life I wish to have.
My journey continues…….