Hi Olegna,
nyour post struck a chord for me. You said you had been gambling for about 20 years and been married for 10. So when your and your wife met, you were already at it. If it was just for fun or not, she met a man who gambled. So did I. My hb started in Junior HS and when we met he had a problem with it. Not huge but nevertheless and unbeknown to me. It got worse over the next 20 years and ended in a total catastrophy. Eventually he went to prison for a crime he committed to finance the addiction. 3 inpatient treatments later he finally started his recovery and has not gambled for almost 8 years. Our marriage did not survive but we became friends.
nI did get an answer for the reasons he developed his addiction and so did he, which helped tremendously. When he came back from his last and finally successful treatment he was a changed man. Not only as far as the gambling was concerned but altogether. I’m still no sure if I had married him if he would have been this person way back then. Sounds bad but it’s the truth. I also found myself being really mad at times because he had a new goal and mind set, as in not gambling while I was left behind with the damage. Emotional, financially and otherwise. He got the tools he needed to deal with his remorse etc. and I got nothing but trying to come to terms with all my losses. Trust is a huge issue and always will be. I was often frustrated with the fact that he had decided to start his life over kinda and I couldn’t manage that. To be truthful, if my situation would have been different, I would have made a clean break and left.
nEvery person, every relationship is different of course. Does your wife have a way to let out her anger? As far as your family goes, maybe they said something to her that made her mad? The key word is communication and giving each other space, lots of it. This is probably all new to her and it’s a lot to process. If you live in the US, there are counselors certified for gambling counseling, other mental health providers might not know enough about this topic to be of help. Been there, done that. Every state has a Council on Problem Gambling and they are great resources to find the right help. And GamAnon might be a place to start as well. From my experience, the most important factor is total honesty. In every tiny part of everyday life.
nI wish you luck and congrats to your non-gambling time. Stick with it, for you, for her and all your other loved ones.
